Disclaimer: This is a work of satire and does not represent the views of the author or The Quill.
No. The answer is no. Capitalism right now, in this day and age, is far too moderate to fully realize the joys of the pure, unfettered free market. The U.S. government places needless shackles on its so-called capitalist society to prevent the sale of, for instance, human organs. America must shed its disgust of supposedly “illegal” and “dangerous” items, a clear sign of weakness, and embrace the true spirit of capitalism. Below is a list of moderate, bipartisan proposals to accelerate America on a track towards a brighter, more capitalist future.
No. 1: Remove the restrictions of the law
The only good regulations are no regulations. “Law” is merely a muzzle placed upon the free market by the meddling government. True freedom can only be obtained by casting aside this construct of the mind. Yes, this would include being able to sell human corpses. This is necessary, even, for just how can a free market thrive if the most entrepreneurial sellers are constantly repulsed? We are all allies in capitalism. More exotic items should also be allowed to be sold. Political favors, for example, have long languished in the shadow of disapproval, but the free market must allow—nay, demand—that such items be peddled once more. Government corruption is a myth perpetrated by those in power to try and suppress such activities, so nobody else may also partake of the forbidden fruit by which they rose to power. The myth of corruption acts thus as a steam turbine of inequality, perpetuating a divide in power between those who have already benefited from it and those who are taken in by the filthy lie. To legalize corruption is to resurrect from its grave the American Dream, giving everybody the opportunity and means to brutally seize power and, through bald-faced political donations, amass riches aplenty. Moreover, the free market doesn’t just stop at providing equality to the government, but also to the class divide. It is widely known that everybody in America is equal, and yet the class divide persists, separating the rich and the poor with a giant gaping chasm of money. The poor build creaking bridges across the divide, and the rich smash them to pieces while they do so. However, all is fair in war. And what is more equal than mortality? Certain guns and armories of warfare, like tanks, face restrictions in the U.S., but they need not be so. The regular distribution of guns, tanks, and bombs to the poor (although not without a fee; this isn’t communism, after all) would certainly make the class divide rather meaningless. Who has time to worry about issues of taxation when tanks are barreling towards your mansion? All will then achieve the equality promised by the American Dream: in anarchy, everybody is equally likely to wobble off the thin tightrope of mortality. Moreover, consider NFTs. The trading of ever more abstractly imaginary objects should be encouraged and guided to the inevitable final step: the buying and selling of nothing at all. Consider two peasants, forking their hard-earned money in exchange for absolutely nothing but the esteem that comes from wasting money. This is the true spirit of capitalism. First, we replaced real, useful goods with coins; then we replaced coins with paper; then we replaced paper with numbers on a screen; and finally, according to the natural evolution of capitalism, we shall replace mere numbers with the cold vacuum of space. This is the ideal society: the buying and selling of nothing but the assurance that you are getting what you paid for. Imagine trading a loaf of bread for the assurance that you received what the loaf of bread was worth, but, crucially, never receiving anything. We must build a market of delusion, and only then will capitalism have truly created the perfect society. Unfortunately, capitalism faces enemies not just from without, but within, bringing us to my next proposal.
No. 2: Ensure stability through conquest
Stability is often misunderstood. When a politician says that they want stability, people generally understand it to mean that they wish to keep the quality of life of the American people at a high, non-fluctuating level. However, there are many forms of stability. Stability can come about through the stability of anarchy, for instance. In this form, the lack of government is rendered inert to change, and the persistence of anarchy carries with it the ponderous weight of inertia. There is also stability in poverty. Stability does not necessarily mean a high quality of life, after all. It can be brought about through the constant subjugation of the lower class into a state of extreme hunger and thirst, rendering opposition impossible. This leads to my proposal to solve the issues of instability plaguing America. Firstly, all of these issues can be tied back to the lack of true capitalism in this country. Currently, there are two political parties, the Democratic Party and the Republican Party, which cause frequent instability through their struggles for power. However, if this country is to become truly capitalist, there need be no party at all. There is no need for parties when the country is united by the fervent pursuit of monetary gain. There need be no president, no legislature, no courts when the only meaningful goal is the accumulation of goods and the regular doling out of services. As such, I propose that the country should begin a campaign of conquest and that the first people to be conquered must be the people of this country themselves. To do this, I propose that the U.S. military should be deployed to conquer the United States of America, a country that has long been a blight and a roadblock to the good of the U.S. Once the U.S. has been forced to surrender to the U.S., the people must be united by a common enemy: the scourge of communism. As stated by the wise Martin Luther King Jr., “Man becomes hardly more, in communism, than a depersonalized cog in the turning wheel of the state.” That is to say, the government under communism uses the people to facilitate the running of the state. Shocking and reprehensible indeed, for under capitalism people are paid to facilitate the running of the state, which is the right and proper order of things. But the heresy of communism runs far deeper than this, for under communism the government shall give to the people and take from the people for free. For free! Transactions without the expectation of compensation! Completely intolerable to the spirit of the free market. And unfortunately, it seems that in the U.S., the hidden weeds of communism lie waiting to pull unsuspecting citizens into its dark grasp. I speak of welfare, in which people are given goods for free to keep them alive. Madness! There is a solution, however, in which those who lack essential items may remain alive through merit. To find this solution, we must take a quick glance into the time of the Roman Empire, where we may find an excellent remedy to our modern issues: the gladiator. Poor citizens who want welfare must fight tooth and nail for their food and money. Through this system, the weak shall perish and the strong shall perish at a later date. Thus, the specter of communism disappears from our capitalist society, for what is entertainment if not a token of value? The poor shall trade the only thing they own, their lives, in exchange for a prolonging of their misery. Capitalism in this way ensures freedom, and there is no freedom like the freedom of death, which is true bliss indeed. For in death, the suffering are finally rendered clean of that most heinous disease, that terrible, unfathomable condition: being poor. America thus becomes a truly equal and fair society.
Sources
“Organ trade.” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Organ_trade#Government_compensation_for_donors. Accessed 14 November 2024.
Perry, Mark J. “Quotation of the Day II, on the Evils of Communism….” American Enterprise Institute, 18 January 2016, https://www.aei.org/carpe-diem/quotation-of-the-day-ii-on-the-evils-of-communism/. Accessed 21 November 2024.
“Policies on restricted or prohibited items – overview.” eBay, https://www.ebay.com/help/policies/prohibited-restricted-items/prohibited-restricted-items?id=4207. Accessed 14 November 2024.