Most children across the United States are taught to look both ways when crossing the street. Yet every year, around 7000 adults ignore this time-tested wisdom (according to the highly-esteemed California Office of Traffic Safety). As roads and cities become increasingly infested with cars, buses, and all manner of motor vehicles, staying informed about pedestrian safety becomes ever more important to avoid an early asphalt grave; whether by the drunken and rage-quivering hands of some sweet old soon-to-be jailbird with an excess of beer, or by an absentminded strolling across the path of a bulky 2007 Nissan Altima. During the funeral, after a deluge of mood-setting rain and the appropriately mournful words of the bereaved, the pastor will say that the accident was unfortunate but unavoidable, and that there is no doubt that the victim’s spirit will pass on quickly. However, this pastor is COMPLETELY WRONG. That act of self roadkill was completely preventable, and the spirit of the now snappily-dressed corpse is going to hang around and rattle its chains until more stringent road safety laws are passed. However, relying on governmental entities to solve their problems is a classic spectral blunder. Only you can prevent road accidents. But how, you may ask, can I avoid becoming a subject of statistical mockery? (Only 0.002% of adults get killed by road accidents each year, says your grandmother, disappointed at your failure to adhere to the mean) That’s what this article is for, so read on!
To look at both sides of the road when you cross is a proverb often parroted by the recently bereaved, and although its truth is well recognized, people generally look at many other things before quickly glancing at their oncoming vehicular pulverization. Their phones, for instance, are common distractors, with the ever-so-important news, sports, and entertainment. While news is one of the most important pastimes to grace the paltry lives of the middle-class suburban family, staying alive is usually more important than staring at some low-class news article telling you to “stay aware when crossing the street” or junk like that. People also like to keep watch over their children to prevent the sort of silly mischief they like to get into, like running into traffic, but ironically, watching their children leaves the parents themselves susceptible to becoming a truck’s welcome mat. If your children must go outside (for whatever insipid reason), it’s better to do so tucked inside the comforting steel cage of a 4-wheel vehicle. If the road is less traveled, however, your miniature progeny can likely cross safely under your guiding care. There are plenty of other things that you ought not to look at, though, besides just some meat puppets. While asphalt is often a fascinating subject of consideration, staring at it too long while crossing a busy thoroughfare might let you contemplate it a little more closely than you’d like. It’s great to not look at these things, you might say, but what things should I look at? This is an excellent question, which will be answered in the next paragraph!
Back in the old days, when California first quivered with the undulant coming-and-goings of a seemingly interminable wagon migration, a wizened old bureaucrat named Doderidge Vince Moherpledge penned his famous autobiography/wagoneer’s manual, posthumously named the DMV Driver’s Handbook. First glued onto town bulletin boards with the strangely gelatinous tears of a thousand ruffians and roughnecks, this system of laws would be revised year-by-year by annual bouts of spirited vandalism, under whose revisions the current guidelines would take shape. These laws may seem inscrutable, but they serve a very important purpose: color-coding traffic lights. Most people know, of course, that green means go, and most also know that yellow means speed up before it turns red, but some people are under the impression that red means go anyway and hope nobody’s watching. However, by analyzing the information in the driver’s manual, you can determine that red means to cease. Applying this principle to your own driving can transform even the most whiskey-drunk lawbreaker into a whiskey-drunk lawbreaker who also stops at red lights. The manuals have more pieces of wisdom to consider: Don’t Walk when there is a flashing red hand at the intersection, Stop at a stop sign, Yield when an upside-down red triangle is seen, Turn Around when you see a circular arrow, Do Not Enter when you see a barbed iron gate, You Are Under Arrest when you hear sirens, and You Have The Right To Remain Silent when being interrogated. Drivers love following rules, which is why they frequently and egregiously exceed the speed limit. Remain paranoid even when there are no cars around – you never know when some power-mad Formula One aspirant might decide to run you down.
Drivers love looking at shiny things, which is why they are so attracted to phone screens and the warm glint of a beer bottle. By wearing reflective clothing or bright colors, you can appear more visible to drivers, especially at night. You can use a flashlight to signal to drivers that you’re crossing, or a bulging wallet to signal to drivers that the lawsuit will be expensive. Even better, you can make yourself visible to drivers by utilizing the largest natural flashlight: the sun. Crossing streets at daytime lets drivers just barely catch a glimpse of your self-assured, road-safe visage before it’s replaced by a quick bump and a ketchup stain on the windshield. Covering yourself with reflective foil makes you even more visible – so visible, in fact, that the driver can’t see anything else. Right before your face is bedecked with a fetching rubber coating, you may regret taking so many hours off work to cut up Pepsi cans, but fret not—your funeral will be luminant.
Concluding the article, perhaps you concluded that to prevent your early conclusion, you ought to conclude your survival-averse ways, conclusively cordoning yourself in a conclave of car-claustrophobic connoisseurs. This is a great takeaway! Don’t die to cars! The end!
Sources:
“Section 7: Laws and Rules of the Road – California DMV.” California DMV, https://www.dmv.ca.gov/portal/handbook/california-driver-handbook/laws-and-rules-of-the-road/. Accessed 2 October 2025.
California, State of. “Pedestrian Safety.” Office of Traffic Safety Organizational Banner, www.ots.ca.gov/media-and-research/campaigns/pedestrian-safety/. Accessed 2 Oct. 2025.
“Early 2024 U.S. Pedestrian Fatalities up 48% From a Decade Ago.” Governors Highway Safety Association, www.ghsa.org/news/early-2024-us-pedestrian-fatalities-48-decade-ago.