Crumbl Cookies: Like a Hug from Grandma, If Grandma Was Trying to Sabotage Your Waistline

I am Crumbl. My job is to ensure that “gym” sounds a lot like “joke.” One bite of this beautiful beast and you will break the speed limit driving out of the 24 Hour Fitness parking lot. Kiss your abs goodbye because today we will be looking at the lore behind this controversial cookie.

Crumbl Cookies first became famous around 2700 BCE, when the first Egyptians to build pyramids stumbled across a peculiar pastry resting upon the sandy plains of Thebes. Scripts in hieroglyphics have detailed this incredible discovery, with the consonants “c-c-i” frequently appearing within these documents. In English, this translates to “cookie.” Pharaohs held celebrations surrounding Crumbl cookies, which seemed to be mysteriously dropping out of the sky every week. No Egyptian could replicate the recipe—the ingredients just weren’t available to them. Many hypothesized that these cookies were gifts from God and therefore made immeasurable animal sacrifices to obtain more Crumbl. The true reason the Egyptians were conquered countless times? Crumbl. Babylonians, Persians, Ottomans, the list goes on; all of them sought after Crumbl, making these cookies the most sought-after good since the beginning of the world. Scrap everything you’ve learned in AP World History: Modern; this is the hidden truth. (Sorry Dr. Van Dusen.)

Now, we could go on about this insanely well-written story about the creation of Crumbl but we’re sure this review should contain some actual factual content. Crumbl actually began in the little city of Logan, Utah. Two fanatical cousins made a mission to spread their love for desserts to the world, to bring people together over sugary substances. Once the OG milk chocolate chip was created, a Crumbl location was established in basically the middle of nowhere. However, the iconic cookie creations garnered the attention of many sweet-toothed Americans. By allowing customers to be up close and personal when baking desserts, creating new recipes and weekly flavors, and expanding their business across the world, Crumbl became one of the most iconic cookie companies in the United States. Everywhere you go, Crumbl will be packed with customers ready to get down and gobble. In fact, we know from personal experience that carrying a precious pink package containing Crumbl cookies into BISV is guaranteed to make heads turn. Get ready to be mauled in the middle of the third-floor hallway because no one is safe with a box of Crumbl in their hands.

However, when beautiful things come to be, controversy follows. On the one hand, you’ve got the die-hard fans who treat every new flavor drop like it’s a national holiday. They’re out on every social media platform posting unboxing videos and gushing over the new releases. Stepping into a Crumbl location is like entering Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, except there are fewer Oompa Loompas, the same number of insane dessert concoctions, and more people strategizing their cookie orders like they’re planning to rob the bank next door. On the other hand, skeptics, clutching their pearls and kale smoothies, like to say that the brand got its name because your health seems to “crumbl” over time; each cookie is packed with hundreds of calories in their overly sweet frostings and toppings. With the rapid growth of Crumbl Cookies nationwide, we can only wonder about the future: will we become a nation of cookie aficionados or a community teetering on the edge of a sugar crisis? 

We (and now you!) know the number of mixed opinions surrounding Crumbl, but what about ours? We tried Crumbl’s Sept. 23-28 collection, which was actually Crumbl’s birthday week! The flavors included Milk Chocolate Chip, Birthday Cake (feat. Oreo), Caramel Shortbread (feat. Twix), Peanut Butter (feat. Snickers), and Classic Pink Sugar. For reference, our rankings were as follows:

Daksha’s ranking: 

1. Milk Chocolate Chip
2. Peanut Butter (ft. Snickers)
3. Caramel Shortbread (ft. Twix)
4. Classic Pink Sugar
5. Birthday Cake (ft. Oreo)

Twisha’s ranking: 

1. Birthday Cake (ft. Oreo)
2. Peanut Butter (ft. Snickers)
3. Milk Chocolate Chip
4. Caramel Shortbread (ft. Twix)
5. Classic Pink Sugar

Well, let’s get into it! Daksha, why don’t you take it away? Talk about your pure hatred toward Crumbl.

Daksha: For all the hype surrounding this place, I expected some incredible, life-changing, jaw-dropping cookies. But the flavor and texture were not it; each and every one tasted undercooked, basically raw. I do like chewy cookies when they’re done right (ahem ahem, the Chips Ahoy Soft and Chewy Cookies.) But with these Crumbl Cookies, it’s literally just like eating Play-Doh that has 1000 calories in each piece.

Twisha: You don’t truly understand the true beauty behind doughy cookies, then. If you’re basing your opinions on Chewy Chips Ahoy, you aren’t a true cookie lover. You don’t deserve to experience these mouthwatering desserts that conform to the shape of your mouth.

D: You’re telling me that if I can’t appreciate the “fine art” of nearly-raw cookie dough, I’m not a true cookie lover? Soft cookies are meant to be a delightful experience, not a game of “guess which bite will give me salmonella.” But don’t we go cookie by cookie? First of all, the Oreo cookie is a betrayal to the Oreo cookie franchise as a whole. Why mess with perfection? It’s like making a 2-month-old infant replicate the Mona Lisa. There were way too many elements to that cookie; I shouldn’t need a food science degree to understand the attraction (though I hope a licensed food scientist wouldn’t enjoy any Crumbl Cookie, or I’d appeal to have their degree revoked.) The too-sweet frosting, the sporadically-placed sprinkles, the soggy cookie—it was as if Oreo was having an identity crisis.

T: Oreo has a hold on me. Hands down one of the most creatively concocted cookie combinations known to man. Although it’s not the best cookie I’ve ever had the pleasure to enjoy, it’s literally at the top of my ranking and that should mean something.

D: Your ranking is immediately rendered irrelevant if Oreo is your number one choice. What could possibly put Milk Chocolate Chip below Oreo? I’ll admit, I didn’t like any of these cookies, but the best one was the basic chocolate chip (but how can you mess up a classic?) Crumbl seems to think they’re revolutionizing the cookie, but they’re just trying to reinvent the wheel but accidentally making it a square.

T: Milk chocolate chips are so basic. It’s an original, I agree, but honestly? My momma does it better. Crumbl can’t achieve the level of delectable delight that a chocolate chip cookie is.

D: To be fair, if we’re ranking based on your mother’s cooking abilities, Crumbl would be at the absolute bottom of the list. But let’s have a little fun and Twix it up!

T: Stop hitting on my mom. Anyway, Twix wasn’t actually that bad. They could’ve done better, yes, but I think the chemical taste had a unique sort of flavor that I haven’t come across before.

D: Of course that’s the first thing you take away from that. For the record, I have never met Twisha’s mom. The Twix cookie was actually pretty gross. Let me mention the fact that it was practically destroyed when we opened the box. Did you survive a hurricane bringing it, or did Crumbl decide their new baking process was running their recipe through a blender? That caramel drizzle seemed less like a culinary choice and more like a last-minute addition to a kids’ arts and crafts project. Yes, it landed the #3 spot on my ranking, but it was only because there were others that were much worse.

T: Can we just agree to disagree on the topics of Oreo and Twix? Rather, let’s join forces and hate on Classic Pink Sugar. It’s as if an expired coconut and a piece of Amazon cardboard had a baby. (Also Daksha’s in love with my mom.)

D: They want to be the pink Safeway frosted cookies so bad. Unfortunately for you, the Crumbl Cookie Conversation is much too monumental to make such an agreement. I am proud of my hatred; I will stop at nothing until the Crumbl Cookies Foundation is entirely dismantled, just like how their kinetic-sand-tasting cookies fall apart in my hands. I’ll happily stick with my Soft and Chewy Chips Ahoy and maybe homemade cookies from Twisha’s mom if it means I won’t leave with a mouthful of regret.

T: Obviously, this is a touchy topic for some folks. However, I believe that certain Crumbl lineups just suck. This doesn’t mean we should make presumptuous, pompous claims about the cookie company in general. We should come together upon an act of love and approach each week with an open mind. The lineup for the week of Oct. 7-12 holds promise for a better future (in my eyes, not Daksha’s and my mom’s). Stop by Crumbl to pick up your six-pack of Milk Chocolate Chip, Tres Leches Cake, Maple Cream Sandwich, Caramel Apple, Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie, and Pumpkin Chocolate Chip.

Sources: 

“CRUMBL Cookies – Freshly Baked & Delivered Cookies.” Crumbl Cookies – Freshly Baked & Delivered Cookies, crumblcookies.com/our-story. Accessed 4 Oct. 2024.