The Gouda is Gone: Cheese Banditry

I walk through the concrete aisles of Trader Joe’s, mindlessly browsing and nudging my cart along. I’m looking for something specific, but I’m not quite sure what. I run my fingertips along the steel shelves until I feel a familiar texture and a scent that smells like home. Curious, I turn to come face-to-face with a Gouda. And my, oh, my was it thick. 

I patted my pockets, sifting through my various coins for a bit of cash. $9.99 for a pound of “​​Double Cream Gouda Cheese.”

“In this economy?!” I murmured to myself.

I realized I was going to have to make a run for it. I grab the freshest wedge of Gouda and tuck it behind my ear. I abandon my cart, sprinting past the bamboozled shoppers (many of whom seem to have come straight out of pilates class) and out the automatic doors.

As I’m bolting past the angry Hondas honking with all their might, I desperately search for my 2009 golden Toyota Prius. Spotted. I hop over the hood and caress the plastic steering wheel. I remove the Gouda from behind my ear and tuck it into the passenger seat, fastening the seat belt over the glorious cheese.

However, as I was about to put the car into drive, I realized I had missed something important. Just how many people have committed this particular crime? Am I the first to steal cheese? I must know because I need a good story to tell my kids in ten years time. I type it hurriedly into Google Chrome: “How many people steal cheese?”

Within a few seconds, I received my answer. Google AI Overview: “While the exact number of individuals who steal cheese isn’t known, it’s estimated that approximately 4% of the world’s annual cheese production is stolen, making cheese the most stolen food item globally. A single wheel of authentic Parmigiano Reggiano can be worth hundreds or even thousands of dollars, making it a lucrative black market commodity.”

Huh. I mean, there’s a reason rats like it so much.

Cheese is the most stolen product in the world for a reason. Look around you, and you’ll see that practically everything edible includes cheese of some kind—pizza, pasta, the parmesan sitting atop your Olive Garden salad. 

One of the most famous Parmesan heists went down in Italy from 2013-2015, when a gang stole over two thousand wheels of the esteemed cheese. Over the course of those two years, the thieves carried out a series of coordinated raids on warehouses in the Emilia-Romagna region of Northern Italy, which is the heart of authentic Parmesan production. By the time the authorities caught on, the cheese, worth almost one million dollars on the black market of fromage, was nowhere to be seen. Investigators later discovered that cheese was not only resold but also used as currency and collateral for underground loans, as some kind of edible gold standard. 

From Wisconsin’s “cheesehead” culture to Switzerland’s famous fondue, cheese is celebrated everywhere. The largest cheese festival, Fête du Fromage de Bra, takes place in Bra, Piedmont, Italy, from September 19th to September 22nd. The fete features a multitude of events and classes led by some of the world’s top cheese experts, including the Parmigiano Reggiano from the Highlands and Resistant wines and cheeses: Slow Food Presidia taste testing sessions, which sold out this year. These traditions suggest that cheese plays a bigger role in our lives than we think—it allows us to connect, learn, and rejoice. 

What sets cheese apart from all other foods is the unique experience one gains from eating it. People graze on charcuterie boards at formal events, joke about it, as seen with the infamous Cheese Touch, and are willing to risk getting arrested for it. A twinkling prize in the aisles of grocery stores, cheese has proven itself to be a substantial object of our devotion. Nations guard it in their vaults, thieves conspire over it, and even everyday shoppers like me are willing to throw their moral compass away for it. So as I’m sitting in my 2009 golden Toyota Prius, one hand on the wheel and the other resting in a gentle caress on the beautifully chiseled wedge in the passenger seat, the world goes quiet. For me, all there is is me and the Gouda, fugitives that are together bound by destiny. Though I’m not sure of what meal I will bless with the inclusion of this glorious, umami-teasing fromage, I do know one thing: today, I have been inducted into the intimate and treasured brotherhood of those who chase the forbidden fruit of dairy. If history and that Google AI Overview have taught me anything, it’s that civilizations will rise and fall, but cheese always survives.

So whether it’s a pre-sliced, plastic-packaged piece of American cheese or a chunk of Pule cheese from the milk of Balkan donkeys, appreciate your cheese.

Sources: 

Gerrard, Mike. “5 of the Top Cheese Heists around the World.” The Cheese Professor, The Cheese Professor, 19 Apr. 2024, www.cheeseprofessor.com/blog/5-top-cheese-heists#:~:text=In%202015%20an%20armed%20gang,systems%20are%20easier%20to%20beat. 

Stechyson, Natalie. “Why so Many Cheese Heists? As B.C. Cops Foil Another, Here’s Why Cheese Is so Valuable | CBC News.” CBCnews, CBC/Radio Canada, 18 Nov. 2024, www.cbc.ca/news/canada/cheese-heists-1.7384611#:~:text=Cheese%2C%20like%20butter%20%E2%80%94%20also%20a,It%20changes%20form.