The Origin Story of Valentine’s Day

Previously published Mar 4. 2021

Disclaimer: The Bunion is not responsible for any bad grades, missed homework, angry teachers, and/or broken hearts this Valentine’s Day. May you always read The Bunion and never actually have a bunion.

The origin of Valentine’s Day is a long and forgotten story full of bloodlust, wrath, and a little bit of roast ham. It centers upon the creation of our very own BISV, but be warned: this story is not one for the weak-hearted, especially those who can not embrace the rose-gold aura of the Bunion.

As we have stated before in our past reporting, BISV was a school founded upon revolution and betrayal. After the British forced an unfair tax upon the Choicelunch of BISV, six mythical figures rose to take charge of the rebellion: Smallphrodite (Mr. Small), Parsonphone (Dr. Parson), Witschares (Dr. Witschorik), J-Pollo (Ms. Jay), Kolbethna (Ms. Kolb), and Tobizeus (Mr. Walker). After their legendary actions, BASIS Independent Silicon Valley was finally established in its present-day glory (if you have forgotten, please consult past Bunion scripture). However, another secret occurred, and we at the Bunion have spent minutes researching the truth.

At exactly 11:58 pm, on the fateful day of November 8th, 2014, Kristian the Jen was born from a combination of pure hatred for England and Sprite (for all those science-y people, please do not inquire further—we do not know either). He was a secret weapon made to overthrow the tyrannical vestiges of the British rule over BISV. When he rose from the ashes, like a glorious phoenix, he carried the hopes of all of us. Through his six-year life, he has made huge leaps and bounds for his goal: cleansing the remains of British influence. Most notably, he has eradicated the idea that milk + tea should be a regular part of one’s life (thank goodness for that).

However, Kristian the Jen has expressed multiple times that that adventurous life is no longer for him. He prefers to work more subtly now, focusing on teaching English and grammar (also rephrased as permanently eradicating British spelling and asserting the supremacy of American English one youth at a time).

What does this have to do with Valentine’s Day, you ask? In fact, Kristian the Jen’s Birthday is actually February 14th. In honor of his virtuous actions, Valentine’s Day was thus created. Why does it have any association with romance or dating? To that, we have no idea. The original intent was simply to boost chocolate sales.