For the sake of Christmas spirit, we, Dublious, hereby pledge not use the word “bad” in this article.
Textbooks (SAT, AP)
- Winter break is a perfect time to buy your friend a textbook! Because they’ve been away from the nourishing, saturated walls of the school office building for too long, textbooks and standardized testing review guides are a great way to remind them that they should spend their time on academic activities to get ahead of schedule. Long periods without learning can deter memory; how many times have your friends complained about how they can’t remember how to do math after they return from break? With a 400-page review guide, they’ll never have this problem again! These review guides also tend to be large and heavy gifts, so you can personally watch the joy drain from their face as they open the wrapping paper… only to see a large bold font saying The Princeton Review. These gifts have been proven to grant an instantaneous change in emotion (though positive or negative should not be mentioned). What better gifts could you ever give when textbooks exist?
Socks
It turns out there is better! Do you ever wake up ready to seize the day, do that weird in-bed stretch, and plant your feet on the ground, only to get a cold, shivery chill from the bottom of your feet? Well, fear not! You can save your loved ones from this getting-off-on-the-wrong-foot start of the day with a simple click of the “Check out” button on Amazon. Not sure what your person of interest is interested in? Lucky for you, there are many varieties and combinations of socks that exist on this planet, and I am sure you will find at least one pair that perfectly suits your person of interest
Fish
- This is an easy, low-maintenance animal, especially if your friend doesn’t have adequate preparation and has never taken care of a pet before. When you give someone a fish, the fun doesn’t end there—there’s an endless world of possibilities and responsibilities you’ve given them as well. For each inch of fish, the tank should hold a gallon of water; those small containers PetCo gives for transportation probably won’t work—to take care of the fish properly, the recipient of your fish would have to buy a larger tank, change out the water, heat it at a constant temperature, and include gravel and decorations. That’s five parts of a gift in one! It’s always a good idea to give a living organism to others without prior notice; after all, your friend is responsible; they’ll deal with it.
Recorder
- To clarify, this isn’t the object that saves .mp3 files of your surroundings. This is the one you were forced to play in third grade! Remember those beautiful memories you made by expressing your feelings through the artistry of music? Well, you can give these memories to your family and cousins too, especially if the recipient is in elementary school. It’s guaranteed that they’ll never be in tune again (and you’ll have to tell them they’re doing great no matter how it sounds), but hey, it’s the thought that matters, right?
Opposite of college acceptance letter
- Picture this: Merry Christmas! We Regret to Inform you… Well if this isn’t the most Christmas-spirited gift of them all, another year spent close to home! Don’t you just love waking up to the sound of your younger sibling crying, or your mother vacuuming the house at 6 am on Saturday? This, however amazing of a gift, is unfortunately not something to give your friends, but something colleges take the liberty of presenting instead! Thus, you have less work to do as the last thing on your friend’s mind would be to ponder where your Christmas gift to them is.
There are so many things you could choose to give to your friends and family, but we’ve only included the best. Here is no space for comfortable but unexceptional gifts; dive a little outside your comfort zone, and give them one of these gifts—something new and unorthodox.
Dublious, out (mic-drop).