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Merry Late Crisis and a Miserable New Year! Did you forget to get someone a gift? Well, you’re in luck, because the Bunion has the perfect guide for you.
Lifetime Supply of Air
The most low-effort gift, yet incredibly essential all the same. Take an empty container, open it, and then close it. Voila! Now you have a container filled with a mixture of approximately 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, 0.9% argon, 0.04% carbon dioxide, and many other gasses. In summary, a container filled with air, which is very much necessary for people to survive, would be the perfect gift for those with asthma or nicotine addictions. The container even refills itself every time it is opened and used, making it a lifetime supply of air! Isn’t that wonderful? It’s a perfect way of expressing your gratitude towards someone.
Partially-Used Gift Card
Ever wanted to give someone a gift card but felt too lazy to buy one? We present the best solution to this dire dilemma: gifting someone a partially-used gift card instead! Everyone has some random gift cards sitting around, and we tend to forget to use up all the balance in them. But instead of spending them on your own, you can just hand over your partially-used cards to someone else and make it their problem instead. In fact, if you’re willing to go the extra mile, we advise you to purposefully spend the majority of the gift card’s balance, and hand over a gift card with very little remaining balance in it (our recommended remaining balance is $1.00). By the time the gift receiver checks the available balance, you’ll be long gone and out of hitting distance. The lower the balance remaining, the more effective a gift it’ll be!
Low-Effort Bouquet
If your neighbors enjoy gardening and have a ton of flower varieties, then this is the perfect gift idea for you! Collect a few flowers by scouring your neighbor’s front yard (or backyard, if you’re feeling particularly evil), wrap them in aluminum foil or plastic wrap, and you have a perfect low-effect gift bouquet! Some specific flowers that we believe have the best meanings in flower language for this include butterfly weed, which tells the receiver to get out of your sight, and peonies, a symbol of anger. Orange lilies, which means hatred, and our personal favorite, basil (it’s not even a flower, which is even better!), which is used to convey a feeling of disgust with someone else’s smell, are perfect for the bouquet as well. Make sure you don’t clean the dirt off of the flowers after plucking them to make the gift even more natural.
For Your Parents: Your Not-so-perfect Report Card
The end of each semester comes with the perfect present for your parents: the grade report. The grade report is a silky paper with a row of As, enveloped in a golden enclosure. Some grade reports are even manufactured with rows of A+s! This gift will not only take care of your worries of missing Christmas but also provide you with an extra special dinner for the day. Unfortunately, there are no more A+ or A grade reports left in stock. You may, however, recreate the A+ grade report with some dabbling in arts and crafts. After all, parents love a DIY present.
For Your Teachers: Lots and Lots of Late Work
The best gift for teachers is definitely a ginormous stack of late work for them to grade. Teachers absolutely love having to grade tons of work at once. To increase the feelings of gratitude, make sure to time this gift with the end of a trimester when teachers are already swamped with work! Your gift is already late, anyways, so a few extra months of waiting won’t do any harm. In addition, make sure these assignments are the longest ones of the trimester. English and history essays, twenty-page take-home test packets, that giant physics lab you’ve been putting off for two whole months, the longest chemistry stoichiometry worksheets your teacher could find, you name it! It’ll surely make any teacher’s day!
For Your Best Friend: Your Undying Love and Affection
Your best friend deserves the best gift, and what better gift than yourself!
Step 1: Wrap yourself up in decorative paper.
Step 2: Jump inside a box and get cozy!
Step 3: Jump out of the box when your best friend opens the box.
This gift is not only designed to build a long-lasting friendship but also is proven to strengthen the bonds of this friendship. Your undying love until next Christmas is the best gift of them all.
The Birthday, Christmas, and Everything-in-Between Bundle
Did you forget gifts for not only Christmas but also every other holiday in existence? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered as well! For this extravagant gift bundle, you will need the following items: an Easter egg disguised as a chicken egg, a pine needle representing the Christmas tree, a paper heart from Valentine’s Day (we recommend an anatomically correct one), expired candy from Halloween, and a whole lot of love to make up for all the gifts missed. Finally, for the cherry on top, the birthday gift is an actual cherry. In addition to being a great low-calorie snack, cherries are full of potassium, magnesium, calcium, and vitamins C, A, and K! What better way is there to top off your gift bundle?
In all honesty, gifts are not mandatory for every single holiday. There’s nothing wrong with forgetting to give a gift to a special someone. After all, taking the time to care for an individual is the best present of them all!
Sources:
“Air – Composition and Molecular Weight.” Engineeringtoolbox.com, 2019, www.engineeringtoolbox.com/air-composition-d_212.html.
“14 Flowers with Negative Meanings.” YourTango, 1 Sept. 2021, www.yourtango.com/2021344177/flowers-negative-meanings.
“The Health Benefits of Cherries.” WebMD, www.webmd.com/diet/ss/slideshow-health-benefits-cherries.
