Writing Driven by Last-Minute Panic: The Story of a Desperate Idiot

I am not an expert procrastinator. Surely many people in this fine school have recovered situations far more desperate than mine. However, I like to think that right now, I am in a situation that most people have not experienced (as in, responsible people). Breakdown: It is September 19, 2024, and I have received word about 20 minutes ago that I had to finish the first draft of an article by the end of today’s club meeting.

I am not an expert procrastinator, but I will become one when the clock hits 5:00. I have to, or I will get a strike, and this article will never see the light of day.

“Responsible” people (cringe), prepare to be enlightened. Today, you will learn how to harness last-minute panic to produce something remotely like an essay that was not thrown together in 30 minutes. I am here to remove the shackles that are your fear of procrastination and allow you to hurtle forward to greatness. It is currently 4:32 p.m., and it might be over for me. Let’s get on with it.

But what is “last-minute?”

Let’s say one evening or less. I think it gets real desperate at that point. I don’t care; I don’t have time to overanalyze anything.

• You cannot hope to write something serious.

This applies only if you need to write a piece of creative writing. First, you must dispel the hope that you can throw together something deep and coherent. That’s for the people that have, say, one or two days to finish. You don’t. You have one evening or less. So that five-book series you had in mind? Forget it. That’s for another assignment. Right now, you only have time to think of something stupid and just slam it out on your keyboard, like I’m doing right now. It can be satire, it can be a rant about the Federal People’s Republic of Yugoslavia, it can be whatever else you can think of. Just put together something that looks good and make sure you have fun while doing it. The Quill lets us get away with pretty much anything, and likely, so will your creative writing teacher.

2. If it’s an actual essay you need to write for English or Literature

Accept your fate. You’re done. It’s over.

3. It’s never over.

It kind of is, but I’m not here to spread pessimism. I’m here to educate you all on the art of writing driven by last-minute panic. So what do you do with an actual, full-blown essay on symbolism in Fahrenheit 451 breathing down your neck? Simple. Let’s start over.

• In-class discussions

Pray you paid attention to those, because you are not in a position to take the time to think on your own

******

–It’s 5:00. Club has ended. The EICs are now walking around the classroom, preparing to scythe down those whose work is insufficient. It is quite likely that I shall be part of today’s harvest.–

–It’s my fault. When I started, I was truly driven by panic, but I was caught up in the writing. I let myself relax. I thought that I’ve done it, I could cheat death. I could not.–

–In this very article, I warned about ambition, and I warned about flying too close to the sun. I was shouting down at you while my own wings were melting. I’m a hypocrite, and I will pay for it.–

–Who am I to tell you about writing driven by last-minute panic? I lecture you, as the stove I left on causes the kitchen to catch fire. I lecture you, as the fire spreads across the house. I lecture you, as the embers flutter upon me. Now I burn, and I can only fall silent as my tongue flakes into ashes.–

–The reaper approaches. I could not cheat death, but you can. That is the only thing I will hold to be true with my dying breath. The scythe falls upon my head, but it may not fall upon yours.–

******

They told me I have until tonight to finish.

But the lesson that this whole experience has taught me was that I shouldn’t preach rules that I myself don’t abide by. And besides, I am in no position to tell you all how to live your lives. I admire your responsibility, and I will no longer deride you for your unwillingness to procrastinate. Start early and take your time. It will pay off.

Or, if you don’t want to, that’s fine too! Leech ideas from your class discussions. Throw as many fancy words and elaborate metaphors at them as possible. It’s not that hard, remember– only three paragraphs. Turn it in, and pray you get a B. I need to make sure I don’t glorify procrastination too much, or this thing will never get published. 

Anyways, you’ve seen what last-minute panic does to an essay. If you look carefully at the article that took me an hour to finish, you’ll notice that it’s all unnecessary filler and unfunny jokes. Or not. This article is getting revised anyways.

Final word of advice: Do whatever you want to do. No one method is better than another. Our school’s administration might argue that procrastination is THE worst thing you can do, but remember that they’re the people who [This section has been redacted for suspected allegations against the state]. Do what works best for you, and don’t let anyone judge you for procrastinating or not procrastinating.

This is gonna be fun to edit.