Halloween Bunion: The Salmon Witch Trial

Previously Published Dec 3, 2021

In an increasingly fragmented world filled with the incessant tussling of Democrats vs. Republicans, Pro-lifers vs Pro-choicers, Me Too champions vs. Old Men, dare we, the humble little Bunion, introduce a new faction? We do and we must. Today, we introduce you to the Salmon Witch Trials, better marketed to you as the Salem Witch Trials. Perhaps you feel betrayed? Humiliated? Lied to? The need to skedaddle your legs and slap your cheeks in jubilance? (We’re sure you do).

Your history teachers have long shoveled into the innocent trenches of your minds the images of hanging women: glorious and solemn as martyrs who dared to differ themselves and were constricted by the supposed…patriarchy. But social justice, my friend, is a disease! Wanting to save innocent children and adults from oppression? Utter shenanigans! (You silly, silly goose).

I guide your eye to something more pressing, more in need of your attention (and perhaps money? Please navigate to the Bunion merchandise site): that of the chillingly beautiful animal, the salmon. The Salmon Witch Trials was the mass kidnapping and charring of all types of salmon. Here at the Bunion we can excuse sexism, but we draw…nay, we carve the line at animal abuse. The HAUNTINGLY tragic fate of the salmon lies in your hands dear reader. Please consult the following recording our researchers have dredged up from the icy cold fields of Siberia. 

“The Fishible” by Arthur Salmo Salar:

Woman enters the room.

Man: WHERE IS THE FISH.

(document ends).

*Note from the Bunion* While this may not seem like much proof in order to support the happenings of the Salmon Witch Trials, we assure you it did happen! While our history teachers hold primary documents, sources, and archaeological proof, they are obviously trying to push an agenda down your scaly throat. Quench your thirst, my friend, and in the Bunion we trust. 

Bunion out.