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So there’s this one store that sells a bunch of food products that are total scams.
Let’s start off with the most obvious one: the shaved ice. I have had shaved ice in the past, so I knew what it was supposed to look like, and when I first saw the large plastic bowl nearly twice the size of a normal one that they were using, I was optimistic. Wow! I thought. Is it possible that…this store isn’t scamming me for once? I should leave a big tip!
Then it turned out that the bottom half of the shaved ice was just ice. It didn’t taste strawberry-infused, which was what I was hoping for. It didn’t taste like expired Oreos, which I had expected. It tastes like mashed-up ice. Frozen water I suspect is tap. “What a scam,” I thought, as I chewed away at the shaved ice. Because of this, I promised myself I would only buy the shaved ice every other day.
Oh yeah, and there was this time when I bought a 300 mL bottle of Aloe Vera drink for 7 bucks. You wanna know why? Well…
Changing the subject, there was this other time when I bought this…
Oh, you want to know why I bought the Aloe Vera drink for 7 bucks. Um…
…
No.
…
Anyway, there was this other time when I…
No! I won’t tell you why I spent 7 dollars on Aloe Vera!
Anyhow, let me tell you about the time when the bathroom there…
WAIT! Now you…don’t want to know about the Aloe Vera thing? You want to know about that bathroom incident? Um…
…
(Much consideration later)
…
So now I’m gonna tell you about why I bought the Aloe Vera drink for 7 dollars. Basically, I had just walked 10 miles to and back from my friend’s house without knocking on their door for no reason whatsoever. Not sus at all, nothing to be worried about, and I won’t tell you the person whose house I walked to cause that would be embarrassing for me.
…
It was someone’s house. Oh yeah, and don’t zoom in and look at that cause it won’t work.
Anyway, I was walking back home when I came across this store, and I saw this beautiful, luscious, refrigerated plastic bottle labeled “Aloe Vera,” and to someone like me who had just been walking for 3 hours in the 90 degree (Fahrenheit, cause I’m an imperialist) sun with no bottled water because I have no foresight, anything to drink, even overpriced things, were a steal (for the store too but we don’t have to remember that). I went to my mom who was in the car (and don’t ask me why my mom is now in this story cause I’m definitely not answering that) and asked her to buy it. So my mom gave me a 5 dollar bill and I realized it wasn’t enough so I went back for more money and my mom said…
…
“Ok.”
…
So let me tell you about that incident with the bathroom.
I went into the store wanting to use the bathroom and realized it didn’t have one.
So one time, it was 6:00 PM and either because I didn’t want to sleep that night or I had no foresight (I can’t remember), I decided to buy some coffee. The coffee was supposed to have cream in it, and it was supposed to be sweetened so I didn’t spit it out like in one of those overly dramatic movie scenes when the main character is surprised the enemy just invaded them. (They’ve been prepping for that for three months now, Bob! Don’t ruin your pajamas before you start playing Minecraft). I got coffee and it was the most bitter coffee I had ever tasted.
Be assured. I did not spit out the coffee. I’m not an overdramatic movie character named Bob.
There was this one time when I bought some Funyuns. They were in bags and weren’t created on the spot, so I thought they couldn’t mess this up. And their price, which was $2.50, was not totally outrageous (Yes, I have grown numb to those prices. Also, inflation).
I thought that there was no way they could screw this up, but somehow, when I opened the bag, all the chips were completely crushed. Every chip, which was supposed to be beautifully round, had instead been broken into dozens of individual pieces that showed no resemblance to the Funyuns shown on the bag. At first, I didn’t even notice this, thinking it was normal. That was until right now. An hour ago, as I opened a bag of Funyuns (because Ms. Shapiro gives us those in journalism. Come join us. #notsponsored), I realized…
They’re not supposed to be mostly crushed.
If you’re reading this on the newsletter and asking why I still go to that store, I ask you why you’re still at BISV.
