Death and how to avoid it

Across your relatively short lifespan, you may have wondered how exactly you will die. Perhaps you imagine dying of old age, surrounded by your close relatives; riddled by bullets after being enlisted in yet another pointless war; even a nice, quick car crash? In this article, we’ll be covering all the lovely ways that you can die and how best to avoid them, using statistics and trustworthy sources across the internet, starting with the most likely (and boring) one:

Heart Disease

Several types of heart disease exist. The most common ones include (skip this if you’re here for actually useful information that you won’t forget immediately):

Coronary artery and vascular disease

This form of heart disease occurs when your arteries are restricted or blocked. Since your arteries carry your blood, you would expect this to be bad for you. For once, reality adheres to your expectations. This is the most common form of heart disease and causes the majority of heart attacks.

Heart rhythm disorders

Heart rhythm disorders are when your heart beats irregularly, which messes with blood flow. It can be fatal, but isn’t as common as Coronary artery and vascular disease™.

Structural heart disease

This type of heart disease occurs when your heart’s structure is deformed, usually at birth. If you’re not born with it, congratulations! You don’t have to worry about this. If you are born with this, you do have to worry about this. This is a thing you should worry about, a lot.

Heart failure

Heart failure occurs when the heart is damaged. Surprisingly, this does not immediately kill you. With the proper precautions and daily activities, you can live a long, healthy life with a small, unhealthy heart.

How to avoid this

Heart disease can be bad for you – after all, you can’t get much worse than death. But fortunately, there are a multitude of ways to avoid this issue. As it turns out, not doing things that are bad for you is a great way to stay alive! Smoking cigarettes can heavily increase your chance of heart disease, so make sure not to smoke cigarettes within school grounds (or at all). Alcohol can also be a factor, although if you are a child and also drinking alcohol, you probably have more pressing problems than heart disease, namely, the law. Another, scarier method of avoiding heart disease is known as going outside. Being physically active can stave off the lurking tendrils of heart disease for a while, at least until you stop going outside, in which case you presumably collapse to the ground and die immediately. Eating healthy can help to keep the minions of insidious heart disease at bay too. Actually, a lot of the stuff listed here is just general health stuff. The conclusion to be drawn is clear: not doing healthy stuff will make you unhealthy. Who woulda thunk it?

Cancer

Cancer is the second-highest cause of death for the average adult mortal human, and occurs when cells in your body spread uncontrollably, disable the genes that are supposed to prevent uncontrollable growth, and form colonies through which they can command blood vessels to feed them and create new colonies on distant parts of your body in a process known as metastasis. There are many forms of cancer which I will not list because that list would be very long. Cancer is an incredibly dangerous disease, but luckily, there are many ways to prevent it. For instance, smoking and alcohol use can increase your chances of cancer. Luckily, if you read the section above and implemented the needed changes in your lifestyle, you will hopefully be able to quit smoking and drinking before it becomes a serious issue. If it does become a serious issue, try talking to a trusted authority about how you’ve been smoking and drinking behind their backs while also being a minor, and they’re sure to help you (get arrested). Another, much easier and more freeing way of avoiding cancer is not going outside! As we all know, the sun is a deadly laser, and avoiding UV radiation can help in preventing cancer. The solution to this problem is simple: stay inside constantly and never leave your house. By implementing this simple step, not only do you avoid the deadly radiation of the sun, you can also decrease exposure to pollution, which is another way you can get cancer. Detecting cancer early can increase your chances of not dying dramatically, so having frequent, near-constant checkups will likely be very healthy for you (although not for your wallet). By taking these simple steps, you, too, can avoid this danger, and live a long, healthy, and socially isolated life in relative peace and quiet.

Accidents

Surprisingly, accidents kill the average mortal adult human quite often! Accidents can include falling on a knife, falling on a sword, shooting yourself (accidentally), getting shot (accidentally), getting stabbed (accidentally), getting your hand stuck in a vending machine (purposefully?), falling off a building, falling off a skyscraper, falling off a cliff, getting eaten by hippopotami, or any number of pitfalls that may befall you in your life. However, there is one simple method that will reduce the chance of an accident happening to you by almost a hundredfold: not going outside. Stay indoors at all times. Never leave your house, or your bedroom, ever. Become a rock. Never interact with anyone, ever, at any point in your life. Pretend that going outside will kill you instantly, because for you, it might as well. Now you can have guaranteed safety from every possible danger! Like having a life!

War

Ignoble death by bullets or alternate forms of harm will usually significantly shorten your lifespan, so avoiding warfare would be a good idea if you have no combat experience or if you want to prolong your life for a few short years! War may seem inevitable to you, but fortunately, in today’s modern world, almost no country goes to war unless they’re run by an insane dictator, which is surely incredibly unlikely. After all, nobody would want someone like that in power, right? However, there is a method that you can use to lower the chances that your country will go to war, known as voting.

Voting

One way to hide from the military is through voting. By voting for candidates with peace-favoring policies, you can attempt to avoid the ever-present gaze of the United States Army. An important step in voting is doing the research. After all, you wouldn’t want to vote for candidates with policies you don’t fully understand, would you? Although it is incredibly unlikely that you would blindly endorse a candidate without conducting rigorous and thorough research on their policies, you may well stumble into this trap, surely through no fault of your own. Once you’ve done the research and know which candidate you want to endorse, just go to your nearest voting center and vote! Afterwards, you can sit back, relax, and wait for the results. However, if a candidate you know will plunge the country into war or increase your taxes slightly gets elected, don’t panic! You still have one option left.

Assassination (this is a joke please don’t try this at home)

Killing a government official isn’t easy. You could always try the John Wilkes Booth method, but your target may not just be sitting in a theater conveniently in place to be shot. Another, less important matter than your chances of success is the fact that attempting to assassinate a president, or really anyone, is slightly illegal. However, by using these methods, you may attain some semblance of success in the act of attempting to kill a president, while also avoiding all suspicion.

Mosquitoes

Mosquitos are one of the deadliest killers on the planet and coercing large hoards of them to give the president malaria may be just the solution for you. As long as the president doesn’t run away or go to a hospital within a day or two, it might possibly be fatal. According to a random study I found on the Internet (“What Are Mosquitoes Attracted To?”), mosquitos are more attracted to humans that emit carbon dioxide, which leads to a natural conclusion:

Accelerating Global Warming

The logic runs as follows: since carbon dioxide causes global warming, and an increase in global warming usually means an increase in carbon dioxide, increasing global warming manually will also increase the carbon dioxide present in the atmosphere. This will, presumably, incite a feeding frenzy centered around the president that you can use to discreetly assassinate them without casting suspicion on yourself. In fact, studies show that oceans actually absorb around 50% of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, meaning that with just one (subject to variations) more simple and easy step, you can finally achieve your goal of not dying.

Draining the Oceans

It is common knowledge that the world is flat[citation needed]. Unfortunately, the oceans are surrounded on all sides by ice, which unfortunately prevents the ocean from draining into the endless void of space. Luckily, we can fix this! By launching a giant magnifying glass into outer space, we can focus the near-limitless all-consuming power of the sun to carve a trench from the icy glaciers all the way to the edge of the world, allowing the oceans to drain! You may be wondering exactly how to launch a giant magnifying glass into orbit, but fear not! Here is one simple and easy method that you can perform right at home with household materials to get a giant magnifying glass launched into space!

Corporate Infiltration

NASA: an organization that specializes in getting stuff to space, and perfect for our ever-increasing needs. With just a spot of crime, you can infiltrate this organization and claim the famed position of “trusted authority figure.” To do this, simply sneak into the home of a high-ranking official, perhaps through the window. Steal their clothes, toss them over the edge of the world, and show up to work the next day dressed as them, with no one the wiser. Over the next six months, carefully divert funding towards the creation of a giant magnifying glass in space, with the supposed intention of using it in conjunction with the Hubble Space Telescope to magnify images. If anyone who actually knows how science works challenges you, fire them, not only to crush your opposition but also to enhance the believability of your disguise. Once the magnifying glass is in place, direct it towards the glaciers, which will drain the ocean and release the sequestrated carbon dioxide into the air, attracting a swarm of bloodthirsty mosquitoes.  With any luck, these will home towards the president, who may even then be discussing plans for an attack on some random third-world country, infecting the president with malaria and successfully avoiding the military. Congratulations! With just a few simple steps, you have guaranteed yourself safety from the draft. Now you can sit back and relax while the human race crumbles from the silly little trifle of not having an ocean.

And that’s all! By studying this article carefully and implementing all the plans of action, you can avoid death indefinitely (or at least until you’re 80)!

Works Cited:

“Cancer.” World Health Organization (WHO), 3 February 2022, https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/cancer. Accessed 5 September 2024.

“FastStats – Deaths and Mortality.” CDC, https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/deaths.htm. Accessed 29 August 2024.

“Types of heart disease | Heart and Stroke Foundation.” Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada, https://www.heartandstroke.ca/heart-disease/what-is-heart-disease/types-of-heart-disease. Accessed 29 August 2024.

“What Are Mosquitoes Attracted To? | TS Digest.” The Scientist, 6 February 2024, https://www.the-scientist.com/why-do-mosquitoes-bite-some-people-more-than-others-71475. Accessed 6 September 2024.

“What Is Cancer? – NCI.” National Cancer Institute, 11 October 2021, https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/understanding/what-is-cancer. Accessed 29 August 2024.