Kidnapping Squirrels: A Guide

“Would a squirrel by any other name taste as sweet?”- William Shakespeare (with liberal artistic license). 

Squirrels. Small, furry mammals, with large, furry tails and tree-climbing prowess. Unfortunately, squirrels are quite skittish, and attempting a closer examination of them to confirm your impression of its features is incredibly difficult. But what if you could watch one, up close, without the risk of escape? In this article, I will teach you how to separate a squirrel from its family, lock it up in a small cage with no room for recreation, and slowly drain it of all hope while also being able to regularly observe it from the outside. This is how you, with only minimal funding, can kidnap a squirrel.

Location, location, location

To start your hunt for a victim, you need to pick a spot. Where you should look for squirrels is based on what sort of squirrel you want to kidnap. There are two different genres of squirrels: tree squirrels and ground squirrels. Tree squirrels can be identified by their tendency to climb trees when threatened, and ground squirrels can be identified by their tendency to not be tree squirrels. One type of tree squirrel, the western gray squirrel, is native to California and can be found in forests and wooded areas, where it scampers around and feeds on delicious plant products like seeds and fungi. Conversely, the eastern gray squirrel was kidnapped from the eastern United States and brought to California, sparking the ancient and noble tradition of squirrel kidnapping. Clearly, the only true way to respect the traditions of yore is through a deep and near-religious devotion to the art; in this case, squirrel kidnapping. The California ground squirrel, on the other hand, is native to California, and can be found throughout most of the state, as well as in Washington and Oregon. Ground squirrels, as opposed to their cousin the tree squirrel, flee to their burrows when threatened with grievous bodily harm. Finding a ground squirrel burrow may be a good place to scope out a target. Once you have decided what sort of squirrel you want to abduct, camp out near a prospective squirrel abode and move on to the next stage in your poorly-thought out and ill-advised plot.

Squirrel Trapping

On average, squirrel traps cost anywhere from $20 to $100, which may be difficult for you to afford. Luckily, the average allowance for children in the US is around $19 per week, so it should only take a few weeks to save up enough money for a trap. If you are unlucky enough not to have an allowance, a job at McDonald’s pays $16-$19 an hour, so an afterschool shift will probably earn you enough. For scale, Jeff Bezos’s net worth in 2023 increased by about $7.9 million an hour, meaning that it would take him a few hundredths of a second to save up enough money to purchase a squirrel trap. Presumably, you want to capture a squirrel alive and not crushed between metal teeth, so a cage trap would be preferable. On the other hand, you may not want to shell out the money for an expensive trap and might prefer to build one yourself. Some suggestions include a large cardboard box, a moat with greased walls, a pit of quicksand, a tripwire connected to a comically large anvil, an exact replica of the squirrel’s home but without a floor, a small planet with a sufficiently high escape velocity, an artificial whirlpool, or a sign with several blatant grammatical errors and a conveniently placed writing implement nearby. Once you set up the trap outside of the squirrel’s household, you need to set a bait. A bait usually consists of some nuts or grains placed inside of the trap, preferably on or near the trigger. Afterwards, simply wait for a few days until a squirrel is caught. Assuming the squirrel is still alive, you are ready to transport the squirrel back to your living area and perform scrupulous and ethically questionable experiments on it. If your squirrel is not alive, bury its tiny body near its place of residence and, if you’re feeling sufficiently charitable, add a tombstone. Then go trap another squirrel, preferably with less lethal methods.

What to do with your ethically sourced squirrel

Now that you have a squirrel, you may be wondering what exactly you were planning to do with it. There are two precautions you must take. Firstly, move the squirrel to a more permanent and secure cage than the one in which it is currently trapped, keeping the scandalous sciurine scamp from escaping. Secondly, you may be wondering about the legalities of this endeavor. Unfortunately, in California, keeping a squirrel as a pet is illegal. Fortunately, in California, there is a loophole in this law, which is that if you aren’t caught, you can’t be prosecuted for it. Thus, keeping your new subject hidden is in your best interests. Basements or attics may provide ample room for a squirrel, but make sure to patch up any holes to the outside world, or you might waste a few weeks of allowance, or a few hours of work at McDonald’s, or a few hundredths of a second of relaxing in luxury for Jeff Bezos. Keeping your squirrel from becoming a corpse is also essential towards making sure your initial temporal investment doesn’t go to waste. Feeding the squirrel a natural diet is ideal. Food such as seeds, acorns, walnuts, berries, or mushrooms, all easily accessible in your local grocery store, are recommended. Make sure that the squirrel has adequate water, too. When looking for somewhere to source your water, you may be thinking about simply providing the squirrel with tap water. However, water is money and money is water, so this will only increase the costs of raising the squirrel. Instead, consider acquiring water at a river or pond nearby, or, if you live close to the coast, you can desalinate salt water from the ocean. After you have made it unlikely for your squirrel to suddenly drop dead, there are several exciting things you can do with your new prisoner. For instance, watching a small furry animal skitter about in frantic panic can be rather entertaining. Alternately, you can contribute to the sum total of human knowledge by making observations on the haste of its skitterings or the cut of its sciurine jibe, all incredibly important information for the scientific community. If you find yourself dissatisfied with your acquisition, you can always give away the squirrel to a relative or sell it on Ebay, preferably at a massive markup. If you feel that this method requires too much hassle, there’s always the option of giving it a bit of a shove off the rather bland coil of mortality upon which your squirrel careens wildly. After that, sell its remains on Ebay, on which thousands of squirrel corpse connoisseurs reside who would gladly shell out a couple thousand million units of currency for the exclusive chance to own one (1) dead squirrel body. 

Conclusion

After this excellent article, you should be well-equipped for capturing, storing, and disposing of a wide variety of squirrels. Hopefully you can make good use of this knowledge in the very immediate future.

Works Cited

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“5 Popular Animals That are Illegal as Pets in California.” Mission Personal Injury Lawyers, 25 March 2021, https://missionlegalcenter.com/blog/5-popular-animals-that-are-illegal-as-pets-in-california/. Accessed 19 September 2024.

“14TH ANNUAL PARENTS, KIDS & MONEY SURVEY.” Money Confident Kids, https://www.moneyconfidentkids.com/content/dam/mck/pdfs/2022_Final_PKM_Deck_2022_Update.pdf. Accessed 19 September 2024.

“How to Trap Squirrels | Squirrel Trapping.” Havahart, https://www.havahart.com/how-to-trap-squirrels. Accessed 19 September 2024.

“latin – The pronunciation of “sciurine” (pertaining to squirrels) – English Language & Usage Stack Exchange.” English Stack Exchange, 2 July 2021, https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/570222/the-pronunciation-of-sciurine-pertaining-to-squirrels. Accessed 19 September 2024.

Mancini, Jeannine. “Jeff Bezos Made Over $7.9 Million An Hour Every Hour In 2023 — In Under 13 Minutes, He Brought In The Equivalent Of What The Typical Person Earns In A Lifetime.” Yahoo Finance, 26 January 2024, https://finance.yahoo.com/news/jeff-bezos-made-over-7-172628289.html. Accessed 19 September 2024.

Quinn, N. “Ground Squirrel / Home and Landscape / UC Statewide IPM Program (UC IPM).” UC IPM, https://ipm.ucanr.edu/home-and-landscape/ground-squirrel/pest-notes/#gsc.tab=0. Accessed 18 September 2024.