Spooky Season Approaches…

It’s that time of year again—when pumpkins appear out of nowhere, your neighbor’s lawn transforms into some kind of crime scene involving a lethal amount of fake cobwebs, inflatable ghosts, and plastic skeletons hanging from trees. Slowly, your inbox begins to fill up with random costume ideas and Halloween discounts you didn’t ask for. Halloween is creeping up like that one spider you thought you killed last week, just waiting in a dark corner and ready to pounce and drag you under. Now you’re probably paranoid, so make sure to always keep one eye open. Really get into the spooky season spirit. Now you’re probably thinking, Oh no… am I cooked?

Spoiler alert: You are.

But no need to panic! If you want to start planning how to survive the month or start plotting your escape to an uncharted hole in the ground where you can sleep through Halloween unnoticed, now’s a good time to start. Here are a few foolproof (or maybe just foolish) tips to help you survive the chaos of the approaching Halloween season.

1. Costume Chaos: Will you cook or are you cooked?

Let’s be honest: Costumes are 90% panic, 10% actual creativity. You think you’ll plan a great costume, but in reality, you wait until the last second and end up in a half-baked outfit that screams, “I’m exhausted, and this is the best I could do.” At least, that’s what happens to me every year. Or, you just decide that you totally give up and don’t even bother to do anything at all. If you’re still costumeless and sad two days before Halloween, here are a few ideas:

• The “Send Help”: Just show up in what you’re wearing right now and say you’re dressed as “a person on the verge of a mental breakdown.” Scary and relatable, especially for most high school students!
• The Low-Effort Ghost: Honestly, we’ve all seen those sheet ghost costumes on Pinterest, Instagram, or somewhere. Especially those ghost dog photoshoots! So adorable. If you’re looking for something quick and easy, go ahead and cut up one of those white sheets you have lying around at home. Two eye holes and you’re ready to go rob people for candy! If you want to be a swag ghost, simply add a pair of sunglasses, and if you want to be very coquette and cutesy, you can even add a bow! It’s fully customizable!
• The Maid Costume: Last but definitely not least, you can never go wrong with a good old maid costume! Add some cat ears and you’re ready to slay the day away. The best thing is, gender doesn’t matter, you’ll look girly pop either way! In addition, you’ll probably find a twin or two to match with you throughout the day, so you won’t be alone.

2. How to deal with little children

To be honest, the scariest part of Halloween is probably the little kids running around all day with endless energy. As soon as the sun sets, a small army of pint-sized demonic entities will descend upon your front door, demanding candy with the same intensity you reserve for your morning coffee. Here’s how to handle the wave of trick-or-treaters without losing your mind:

• Stay Calm Under All Circumstances: No matter how cute or terrifying their costumes are, do not panic. Even if a five-year-old in a dinosaur costume gives you the death stare because you didn’t give him enough Kit Kats, hold your ground. Remind yourself that you are the one with the candy. Do not give in to those puppy dog eyes.
• Compliment Their Costumes: Even if you have no idea what they’re supposed to be dressed as, or even if a kid shows up dressed like a refrigerator and says, “I’m climate change,” just smile and nod. Smile and nod. They’ll appreciate it, probably. Hopefully. If not, then resort to Plan B. Run away.
• Close the Door and Back Away Slowly: There’s always that one group of kids who show up at 10 PM, not even in costume, just looking for extra candy. Don’t feel bad about slowly closing the door as they start chanting “Trick-or-Treat” in monotone like some kind of ritual. You’ve done your duty.

And remember: pace yourself. Eating one mini candy bar with every trick-or-treater seems like a good idea at first, but by kid number 47, you’ll be down on the floor in a sugar coma, questioning your life choices.

So when you wake up the day after Halloween with a terrible candy hangover, finding yourself surrounded by candy wrappers with a terrible stomachache full of regret, just tell yourself that you’ll do better next year. You’ll plan ahead next year, buy better candy, and make better life choices, like maybe not inhaling a full bucket of candy in one night! Well, you know you won’t, but that’s okay, because delulu is always the solulu, so keep telling yourself that! So go forth and conquer Halloween. Hand out that candy, wear that ridiculously sad costume that only a BISV student who’s fully given up on everything could come up with, and remember: no one really knows what candy corn is made of, but we eat it anyway. Also, the spider’s still watching and waiting in some corner of your room. Keep an eye out. Be very afraid.