It’s Not You, It’s Cows

Chances are you’ve heard about climate change, and even worse, believe in it. We’ve all been there, so don’t be embarrassed. Climate change, as many scientists claim, refers to the long-term shifts in global temperatures, particularly global warming. These same experts say this warming is caused mainly by human activities, such as burning fossil fuels and deforestation, which supposedly release excessive amounts of greenhouse gases like carbon dioxide and methane. Apparently, these gases trap heat in the atmosphere, creating what scientists call the “greenhouse effect.” This is the story we’re told—but does it really add up? Have no fear, because I’m here to fact-check the facts.

Let’s start by debunking the very premise of climate change itself. Is it really even getting hotter? That’s a rhetorical question because, of course, it isn’t. This can be proven by a simple experiment that can be done at home: go outside. Considering that it’s winter, you’re probably cold right now, and that’s because climate change isn’t real. Think about it: if global warming is real, how can snow exist? Undoubtedly, climate change wouldn’t allow for the formation of snow. Now that that’s cleared up, let’s clear our reputation as humans.

A lie that we have been led to believe is that humans are the driving cause of the increase of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. Little did we know that cows and volcanoes were the true culprits all along. In retrospect, it’s applaudable how well cows have covered up their villainy and gaslighted humans into believing we’re the problem. Cows release methane gas through their burps and their manure. Those are two huge sources of methane that we have been blinded to. If you’re wondering how you didn’t see this coming, don’t beat yourself up. Cows have had us all fooled due to their cute “moos.” To expose their true nature, I traveled to a farm last weekend and utilized Google Translate’s new moo feature. I can now unfortunately confirm that the moos were evil laughter all along. It’s time to face the cold, hard truth: they’re at fault, not humans. Now that you’re feeling betrayed by cows, prepare yourself for another knife in the back, because volcanoes have been secretly releasing carbon dioxide gas into the atmosphere for years. In fact, they’ve been doing it since before humans even existed, so if anything they’re the real problem. Their strategy is impressive, as their flashy lava overshadows the truer evil beneath. So there you have it: cows and volcanoes have been the issue all along. Take solace in knowing that it’s not you; it’s cows.

Since we’ve established that Earth isn’t getting warmer (remember snow?), our final task is to disprove the fake data that scientists are sharing with the world. This data, in case you were one of the smart ones who never paid attention to scientists, shows that global temperatures are rising. After thorough research on Twitter, I can confidently say this data is entirely made up. By who? The corporate world, of course. Thousands of companies rely on warmth to make a profit. Think about AC companies, sunscreen companies, ice cream trucks, and more. Where would they be without the heat? In a capitalistic economy, these companies succeed by bribing thermometer companies to shift their scales down, making the temperature records warmer than reality. Having disproven all evidence pointing to global warming, rest assured that everything is okay.

In a world abundant with fake news and false rumors, it is important to fact-check with reliable sources like the Bunion section of The Quill. If you want to open your eyes to some other so-called “conspiracy theories,” check out “‘Pragmagnetically’ Speaking: You’re Being Controlled by the Government” on The Quill. And as always, stay safe, and stay suspicious.

P.S. In all seriousness, climate change is very real and worrisome. Check out the Climate Clock, which shows we have less than five years before our carbon budget is depleted and the likelihood of devastating global climate impacts would be very high.