Conspiracies on the Mysterious Drink of Teacher “Y”

Previously Published Dec 2. 2021

This article is based around the essay format of a certain AP class. No, we do not talk about how the format gets lost over time. Just… bear with us, okay?

Every teacher needs a dose of coffee to stay awake when they inevitably have to deal with the devils that call themselves “BISV students” (It was a questionable idea to allow these monsters onto campus at 7:30 A.M. This is what happens when abominations are given the option to take APs in the morning). Most teachers stick to the good old black coffee (at least, that’s what the stereotypes say), but there are a few exceptions, one of which will be talked about in this very formal essay. Now that our three sentences of context are over, it’s time for the thesis statement. Although “X” teachers (we are simply following the essay guidelines for a Compare/Contrast essay) prefer to open their eyes with some shots of espresso, Teacher “Y” prefers to brighten their day with a brightly colored, exotic, unknown pink substance contained in a Starbucks cup.

First period students have the privilege of spotting this one-of-a-kind large drink on most days, which is ironic as they are probably the ones who caused Mr. Sma Teacher “Y” to require this drink in the first place. There are many unmentionable things that go on in Teacher “Y’s” first period class, so we, the fabulous authors of this article, will have to remove some information through the term “[redacted]” (We really don’t want to, but some sacrifices must be made). Shenanigans in Period 1 often range from the [redacted] (fun fact: [redacted] had [redacted]! Pretty cool, right?) to 10-hour loops of [redacted], which occasionally results in turkeys mysteriously appearing in the pool on top of the BISV roof. No one seems to know exactly what causes this, but we are attempting to find the causes (If you are looking for more information, we are considering writing an additional article on this confusing phenomenon. But only if we find out more information ourselves first…). Only a fresh, pink drink from Starbucks with a considerable amount of caffeine and just the slightest pinch of sugar can help Teacher “Y” keep up with the extremely studious and always-participating, first period. 

However, is the drink truly a Starbucks drink, like Teacher “Y” hopes to instill into their students’ minds? Despite the clear Starbucks label on the cover of the cup, there have been suspicions that it is simply an Adult Capri Sun in the disguise of a trendy Strawberry Açaí. On more than one occasion, Teacher “Y” even called the drink an Adult Capri Sun, himself. This is further backed by the fact that no one has ever seen Teacher “Y” purchase this drink. In fact, an anonymous self-proclaimed Starbucks connoisseur, who is very trustworthy, and was, in fact, the most trustworthiest we could find (10 seconds of experience via Google searches is such an incredible feat! Barely anyone can do that!), has declared that the images for the Strawberry Açaí on the internet do not match the image of the mysterious pink drink that we have attempted to identify to them. Thus, it would be fair to conclude that this mysterious drink is not what Teacher “Y” claims it to be.

Despite the various mysteries that surround the (supposed) Starbucks drink, it definitely lights up the class with its blinding shades of vibrant pink. Are pink drinks the new black coffees? Who knows? Perhaps in the near future, the entire school could be full of teachers with a trusty Adult Capri Sun by their sides instead of the usual, stereotypical black coffee.