“Pragmagnetically” Speaking: You’re Being Controlled by the Government

Did you get the COVID-19 vaccine? If so, I have some bad news. You’re being controlled by the government. How do I know? Because I got the vaccine too. For a long time, I thought I was an independent thinker. But then, I realized that’s exactly what someone who’s being controlled by the government would say. After this moment of reflection, I realized there are many other reasonable so-called “conspiracy theories” that scientists have convinced the public are lies. Have no fear, because I’m here to fact-check the facts.

The first so-called fact to disprove is that vaccines don’t have tracking devices. Think about it: the most helpful intel the government could have to aid their conquest over the world is the live location of everyone in the country. The best way to collect this information is to inject tracking devices along with the vaccine. Moreover, the government is getting more and more desperate for us to get the vaccine. A few days ago, I got the flu vaccine at Rite Aid (solely for experimental purposes, of course), and as I was leaving the facility with my new Band-Aid and microchip, the nurse called after me. I turned around, overcome with fear. Had she detected my skepticism? She proceeded to tell me that she had a gift for me in return for getting the vaccine. Naive and unsuspecting, I walked over, ready to receive a sticker or lollipop. In my outstretched palm, she placed a folded piece of paper. My palm grew sweaty as I prepared to open it; surely this was a relayed warning from the government, scolding those who dared to question their ways. As I unfolded the paper, I began making out some of the words: “FREE Ice Cream!” Phew. This incentive helped me realize just how desperate they are to give people vaccines. Why? Because they want to put tracking devices in us.

Another lie these scientists have told us is that vaccines don’t make you magnetic. Through past experiences, I am easily able to refute this lie. Ever since getting that dreaded COVID-19 vaccine in 2020, I have had to tread carefully everywhere I go. I, unfortunately, learned this the hard way through The Great Fridge Incident of 2021. I was stuck in that fridge for FOUR hours before my family was able to pull me off with a heavy-duty magnet—the size of a washing machine. Even worse is the struggle I go through with airport security. After multiple instances of me and other vaccinated individuals holding up the line, TSA added an extra page in their trainee manual regarding security checks on vaccinated persons. Don’t be fooled by scientists telling you that magnetic vaccines are just a conspiracy theory; it’s true, and I live with the consequences every single day.

In a world abundant with fake news and false rumors, it is important to fact-check with reliable sources like the Bunion section of the Quill. If you haven’t gotten any vaccines yet, you’re one of the lucky ones. Stay safe, and stay suspicious.