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The Quill

    How to Catch a Leprechaun

    Previously published Mar 17. 2021

    Previously published Mar 17. 2021

    Disclaimer: The Bunion is not responsible for any bad grades, missed homework, angry teachers, and/or Leprechaun pinches this St. Patrick’s Day. May you always read a Bunion and never actually have a Bunion.

    Did you break up with your E-girlfriend last week and have started to regret your decision? Or maybe you’re weeping over that F on your math test and had to find a new family because of that math test? What you’re going to need is a plethora of wishes to solve all your problems, and a leprechaun is the perfect magical creature for the job.

    I know you want to catch that leprechaun. It’s your lifelong dream. You brushed it off when you hit your pubescent stage by saying that leprechauns are not real, but you were internally in pain. Deep down, you know, those teeny-weeny viridescent fellows were alive and well, but you had to suppress that mission of trapping one in the gold-covered cardboard box that you made in first grade. That stops here. Please don’t be ashamed because we are all on this mission. Together. And here is how we’re going to do it.

    Military Strategist Sun Tzu once said, “To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.” This piece of advice, from ancient China, will change the tides of the battle between you and the tiny green lad from Ireland. To fight a leprechaun, you must become the leprechaun and traverse in its natural habitat. The most effortless experience is flying to Ireland and uncovering an abnormal rabbit hole leading to an underground cave. For those of you who are dedicated and persistent enough to remain within a budget, your backyard will do.

    Diamonds were a girl’s best friend. Now they’re the leprechaun’s best friend. Well, actually, it’s gold but the same thing. This tactic is a classic, and all you need to catch your wish-granting friend are a shoebox, a stick, some rope, and your mother’s twenty-four-carat gold wedding ring. She won’t notice, don’t worry. This complex mechanic is exceptionally effortless, thus only requiring one step. Prop the box on top of the stick, tie the string to the stick, and place the precious twenty-four-carat gold wedding ring inside the box to set up the contraption. Now we wait, preferably far away from the trap while holding the string. Your green friend should show up any minute. Any minute. He’ll definitely show up. Give it another 10–20 minutes. If the moon is already up that’s a great sign. AND THERE HE IS! Pull that string! Let that box encapsulate the tiny green man!

    And now you’ve won back your ex-E-girlfriend. You can also put a hold on finding a new family because that F can be magically modified into an A. Just make sure to wear green, or you might get pinched!

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