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New Mutated Potatoes on Path to World Domination

Previously Published Apr. 27, 2023
New Mutated Potatoes on Path to World Domination
Recently, there have been reports of potatoes running rampant in supermarkets when there are no people present. Many security cameras have caught footage of potatoes running around and knocking over shelves, as well as them racing out of supermarkets and outside into the world beyond. Grocery store owners were very upset about this, and thus camped out secretly in hopes of capturing the mutated potatoes. In the end, these owners managed to capture several of the wandering potatoes alive. About a week ago, these samples were promptly sent to specialized scientists who definitely knew what they were doing, so that they may study and observe the potatoes.
The results of the observation is that the scientists actually did not know what they were doing, which was, in fact, very shocking and totally unexpected. The containment cells for the potatoes were built very poorly, and so the potatoes managed to escape on day three of observation. More samples were later captured by the grocery store owners and then sent to a different group of scientists in hopes that they would actually provide useful results.
The latest results from the new group of scientists show that these potatoes are no longer the average potatoes that are sold in the supermarket. They have faced enough mutations to make them a totally separate species from the typical supermarket potato. The mutated potatoes that have been terrorizing supermarkets have newfound retractable legs that allow them to disguise themselves as ordinary potatoes when they are not moving. They also have developed brains that have ten times more brain cells than the average person. Another discovery the scientists have made is that they can latch onto other creatures and control their actions. However, the potatoes will lose their control once removed from the body of the host. The potatoes will commonly latch onto larger beings and hide where they are less likely to be spotted so they can retain control. Since it is unknown how many potatoes have latched onto unassuming shoppers in supermarkets, the scientists advise everyone to make sure to be wary of everyone around you. Common signs of being controlled are being more clumsy than usual, having eyes that look glazed over, and being unable to finish sentences.
It has been suggested that the potato mutations have been caused by a new strain of COVID-19, which seems to only affect potatoes as of now. However, it is currently unknown whether or not this new strain will affect humans in the future. The scientists have speculated that this possible new strain could have very slow but long-term effects on people, suggesting that humankind could be in danger from this mutation-causing virus as well. This is currently still being researched, however, and no definitive data has been found yet regarding this speculation.
The scientists believe that the potatoes are planning to take over the human population first, and then use humans to take over the rest of the world. Since we are currently defenseless against these potatoes, it is advised that people stay indoors to prevent them from taking over more people. Scientists are already working on possible solutions to this crisis. However, if they happen to be too late, there will be nothing to stop potatoes from conquering the rest of the globe – or maybe even the rest of the universe. Stay safe out there, soldiers.
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Cindy Lu, The Bunion Editor

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