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The Curse of Tippecanoe
The Curse of Tippecanoe
February 15, 2024

How to Cook Your Homework

How+to+Cook+Your+Homework
Randen Pederson

Disclaimer: The Bunion is not responsible for any bad grades, missed homework, and/or angry teachers. May you always read The Bunion and never actually have a bunion.

How to Cook Your Homework

As BISV students prepare for the extraordinary amount of homework they are facing, students may frequently find themselves with too much homework. As BISV puts a lot of emphasis on academic excellence, it naturally assigns a lot of homework. With mandatory AP courses and little food in student stomachs, a breakthrough innovation in student nutrition may just be the thing.

         If you have too much homework and not enough time to finish it all, just eat your homework! Homework provides a lot of educational and nutritional value for the brain? This paper will provide many 4ecipes for scrumptious cellulose delights that will guarantee you an A on your next test.

The dog commands you to eat something.

The Mythical Logical Burrito

         This simple recipe can enhance your powers of perception. A popular way to consume knowledge is to first count the number of words. Then, place a grain of salt on every word. Roll this paper up and eat it like a burrito. This approach is very beneficial to critical thinking as it allows you to take every word with a grain of salt.

         After eating this dish, an enhanced thought process and an uncanny ability to discern truth from lies may emerge. Consuming large amounts of paper may cause brief, one-second visions of the future; however, this is inadvisable since too much of this recipe may cause uncontrollable suspicion of everyone, which might lead to some damaged relationships. Unbleached paper, such as public-school paper, is the most advisable since bleach may impair the reaction between the cellulose and salt.

Alphabet Soup

         If you don’t like taking words with a grain of salt, you can always create alphabet soup. In order to make this soup, you will need a large pot, 1997 milliliters of water, and at least a week’s worth of homework. The recipe works slightly better with finished homework, so ideally you should use all those worksheets from last year sitting on your cabinet. Heat the water up to exactly 89 degrees Celsius. This calms the nerves when drinking the soup because the sheer randomness of the number is an excellent anti-depressant. Then, carefully stir in all the sheets of homework from earliest to latest. Mix until most of the homework is dissolved with small chunks of homework remaining. 

At this point, the stew should turn a rich gray, with the consistency of milk. Add some letter-shaped cereal and simmer with the lid off for two minutes. The end result is a highly versatile soup – able to be drank from a thermos, have noodles added to it, or even poured over pancakes. Draining the stew can result in a nutritious porridge with many magical properties.

A special porridge imbued with magical powers. Quite nutritious. 

         There are two primary benefits of alphabet soup, and it depends on what kind of homework is consumed. When using spelling worksheets, make sure they are thoroughly stirred. This mixes up the letters to create every possible word in the dictionary, leading to instant memorization of a tome that would take years to memorize by heart. The stew is so potent that the drinker is certainly getting 100s on every test. For literature worksheets, cut them up sentence by sentence, add to your soup base, and drink slowly. This allows you to think about the meanings of the sentences slowly. In this fashion, one can easily become an avid reader.

Paper Polygons

         If you thought eating homework didn’t work for math, you’d be pleasantly surprised to know that studies show that eating graph paper may lead to better spatial coordination and sense of distance. In fact, cutting graph paper up into different shapes prior to consumption may just be the best way to get a higher grade in math. If you are having trouble memorizing Heron’s formula, eat a triangle before class and you’ll instantly recall it. Besides, eating a formula or a keyword right before a test gives you plenty of time to chew it over, leading to better retention of knowledge. 

A Practical Solution to All Your Problems

         Eating your homework solves the issue of having too much homework. It also provides nourishment right before your lunch period when you’re starving. Homework’s magical powers of knowledge can be very potent and can even grant you superpowers if you eat them properly. It is encouraged that you eat a friend’s homework because then they can say “my friend ate my homework,” and the teacher would be powerless to stop them because it would be true. This is why eating paper is the best solution to the extensive hours of homework that BISV gives.

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