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The End of Santa’s Gift Monopoly?

William Warby

This year’s Christmas might mark the end of the long-reigning monopoly over Christmas gifts held by Santa’s Workshop. A new competing gift production and delivery service, currently known as Atnas’s Toyworks, owned and run by an individual named Atnas, has recently emerged and is becoming more popular than ever. This new workshop is based in Antartica rather than the North Pole, as Atnas has been noted to like penguins better than polar bears (which is clearly the correct decision). And in addition to their incredible taste in animals, they seem to deliver similarly high quality products while also being cheaper than Santa’s. When we attempted to interview Atnas via mail (Atnas refuses to make any public appearances, for some odd reason. Surely not suspicious at all.) to find the reason for their lowered price, they replied that “such information is irrelevant, and of no actual use or particular interest.” Parents have also been notably pleased by the lowered prices, as some have outright stated that they “don’t really care about which company it is, as long as it’s decent-ish and cheap.”

Children have been entranced by the quality of Atnas’s toys as they seem to have a glow akin to that of some cheap radioactive materials. Though, don’t despair! Atnas has already assured customers several times that “there is absolutely nothing toxic to children in these toys. Absolutely nothing.” In fact, scientists (paid by Atnas, of course) have already run tests on the toys produced by the new company, and have concluded that there is nothing in them that could harm anyone. So clearly, the safety of these toys is guaranteed, pleasing many customers.

Although it’s becoming a well-known trend for customers to switch to Atnas’s Toyworks, their direct competitor has an even larger problem at hand. The greatest threat to Santa’s Workshop is the fact that Atnas has been recruiting Santa’s current workers into his company. When one elf recruited by Atnas was interviewed, he simply responded with “I don’t know. I guess I wanted to see penguins suddenly.” He also added that “the pay here is slightly higher, though that amount is still miniscule.” Considering how Santa’s elves have been notorious for having gone on strike several times due to their abysmal wages, this may truly be a step up for many of his former workers.

With the rise of Atnas’s Toyworks, Christmas gifts may be changing for the better. In fact, Atnas’s Toyworks continues selling even when it’s not Christmas, much unlike Santa’s workshop! Currently, the “Atnas’s Christmas Clearance” event is in process, where many of the high-quality, glowing gifts left over from Christmas are now on sale! So if you want to present someone with a unique gift, even if it’s not Christmas (and especially if you forgot Christmas, in which case the Bunion has you covered), make sure to take advantage of the discount and look into Atnas’s special catalog of completely un-radioactive glowing toys.

(This article was sponsored by Atnas’s Toyworks and is clearly not biased in any way whatsoever.)

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