“Hello all! Welcome to BISV! The first thing you may notice about our wonderful establishment is that it’s not, um, in the traditional shape of school. It’s a three story box, which has allowed us to effectively eliminate all outdoor injuries! 

(in favor of getting squeezed to death in the hallways, but we don’t have to mention that, right?)

If you follow my gaze to the right, you’d notice that there is a big, black fence that separates the recreation area from the outside world. You’d also notice that there is a field, from which students can see the towering building and realize that their future is as bright as its pitch black windows. Of course, the field itself is like no other. No matter the season or the weather, the grass stays green forever (unnecessarily creepy smile). Just like the eternal lessons these students receive within these walls!

Now, please follow me through our grand, magnificent front door, reserved only for the most important members of our administration and special guests like you! Most students will go through that small side door, which I know is hard to see behind that heavy metal gate. This entry system helps us better track who is in and out of the building at all times.

For the students’ safety, of course.

Come quickly now!  There’s still much to see!”

(Screen turns black)

“A little too much, heh heh”

Cameraman: “Your mic’s still on.”

“Oh crap! How do I turn this thing off? I’m the announcements person, I’m not supposed to tell people anything important!”

(Long silence after intense mic noises)

(Cough.) “Pardon that…unfortunate interruption. I promise the staff here are not (unnecessary chuckle) as incompetent as I am at technology. Anyway, moving to our building’s wonderful classrooms. 

Our institution offers two kinds of education centers: the first is the enclosed space with windows. The natural light can sometimes be a little shocking to those who have been here for a while, but we promise that the miniscule beams of Vitamin D will be useful to their education. The second kind of classroom, for those who need a little more time to concentrate on educating themselves, is a windowless enclosed space. There are a few such rooms around this building, and we assure that students who come out of those see significant improvement in all areas that truly matter compared with those who don’t.

Now, if you’d follow me to the upper floor, there is one more place that must be shown on this tour!

(26 minutes of laborious trekking later.)

“Here we (pant) are, the cafeteria! In this (pant) hall, our educated young get to choose from a wide selection of mouth-watering delicacies, from the delicious mashed potatoes that melt in your mouth like (convulsion) water to the Hawaiian pizzas so tasty it makes (catches breath) pigs fly. Our food also comes with a wide variety of condiments! We recommend that students use our hot sauce packets to double the calories of their meals before consumption.

For their health, of course.

The popularity of the food served here is undeniable! Every day, dozens of our students line up to get their trays of food from our hard-working vendor, while other staff members check their ID’s to ensure they are only taking their pre-proportioned rations.

That’s it! This is BISV! A school so unique, it’s unfathomable!”

Cameraman: “And, cut! Good work. Thirsty?”

“Yeah, sort of.”

Cameraman: “Want some milk? This cafeteria offers plenty.”

“I think I’m good. I’ve got to go home and make the ad. Gotta edit out all this useful information…”