Medieval Weaponry: Influenced by a simple joke (pt. 1)

One day, Max was walking with his dog. Then Gia came up and said, “Why are you walking with that idiot?!” Max was like, “Hey, don’t call my dog an idiot!” Gia was like, “I was talking to the dog!” Max was astonished; however, his dog and Gia shared a good laugh. Max swore to get back at Gia for her clever joke by resorting to the only practical method: medieval weaponry.

A couple of days after this encounter, Max began to construct the most lethal weapon of all: a war hammer! Genius. A true medieval classic. What could go wrong? Hiding himself in his garage, he created a prototype. The concept was simple. Take a normal construction hammer, sharpen the…sharper end until it can pierce the skin, and elongate the handle by attaching some endangered redwoods, and this brutal medieval weapon is complete! Now, he was finally ready to respond to Gia’s bombastic comment! 

The next day, walking his dog once more, Max slid his hammer into his belt and went on his way. The sun was shining radiantly through the rapidly dispersing clouds. Sure enough, with godsent luck by her side, Gia approaches from the other end of the road. 

Max triumphantly raised his hammer, and let it fall behind his back, as to allow for the greatest striking force possible. Gia came closer. Max raised his weapon, extending his weapon further behind him. Closer, further, closer, further… 

When Gia was before him, she was perplexed by the agonized expression on her would-be attacker’s face. However, all would have gone according to plan if only the endangered redwood handle hadn’t snapped in half. The sharpened end bore into Max’s toe, leaving Max dumbfounded and in severe pain. This resulted in Max’s first epic getaway, but just a getaway for Max and epic for Gia since Max had unintentionally left his dog with Gia.

After this peculiar encounter, Gia decided to turn to one of the nation’s most well-versed and trusted people in terms of warfare and chaos, Emily. Gia consulted Emily about creating a weapon of mass destruction in order to get back at Max for his failed attempt. Emily, being the master of all things despicable, had no other choice but to agree to help her out. Then started the camaraderie between Emily and Gia. Max had no idea what was coming for him.

The next day, Emily pitched Gia the idea for their new tool: a catapult. Genius. A true medieval classic. What could go wrong? The plan was to lure Max onto the catapult via Scooby Snacks and, once he was on, to simply launch him to Pluto. Thus, the two set out to construct the catapult out of the wood from the recently burned down forest and a trash can for the catapult “seat.”

Meanwhile, Max, recovering from his injury, was fuming and desperately wanting redemption. While in agony and pain, he wondered what could possibly be the next best thing after a war hammer….hm…oh! Looks like he’s got it, a cannon! Genius. A true medieval classic. What could go wrong? Max was so motivated to get back to work that he drank the whole bottle of pain medication and set off to acquire the materials necessary: a bouncy ball, as a replacement for the cannonball since he spent all his money proto-typing the war hammer; a wagon to transport the cannon; and copper for the cannon itself. 

Back over to Gia and Emily, who are currently at a US Air Force base hanger testing out their newly built catapult! The following lays out their dubious plan…

A typical ingredient for the average medieval trebuchet is horse sinew. Unfortunately, due to the suspicious lack of horses in the nearby urban environment, as well as Emily and Gia’s squeamishness, a substitute has to be used. It’s replaced with a plain, boring canvas rope. The trebuchet has two main portions: a side to place a weight and a side to place the launched object. Gia dispatches Emily to collect Scooby Snacks, while she places a suspicious amount of hammers on one side to act as a counterweight. It’s suspended in the air before the trigger is pulled to release it.

Soon enough, Emily returns with Scooby Snacks. Gia finishes assembling the trebuchet, attaching a seat filled with the Scooby Snacks to the longer side of the beam, and it’s ready for use. They leave it out in the open for Max to discover, and he slowly wanders by.

Gia and Emily watch in anticipation while being badly concealed behind a conveniently placed bush. Max’s eyes light up as he sees the Scooby Snacks, and he immediately runs over to collect them. By the time he noticed the trebuchet, it was too late…

The catapult creaked, a whip cracked, and a shrill scream was heard…find out what happens next in part two of this tale of tomfoolery!