Previously published Jun 2. 2021

All the information contained herein is completely true and almost unenhanced.

As the school year nears its end, students turn from Slackers to slackers. The affliction of Senioritis is commoner than the cold, as teenage senior citizens long to retire for the summer.

Earlier this year, following a study done by the AP Research students, which discovered 65.96% of seniors report the severity of their affliction as a 6 to 10 on a scale from 1 to 10, seniors set out on the grand mission of finding the cure to Senioritis Bobcatus—a unique strain found among BISV students. Unfortunately, the plan was derailed by the onset of laziness that accompanies Senioritis.

Courtesy of the 2020-2021 AP Research Class

“My own rather severe case of Senioritis,” said one student, recounting her experience with the dreaded S. Bobcatus, “reminds me of a curious episode I once observed. A seal was swimming to shore, and a few feet before he reached land, he folded up his flippers and just waited to be washed ashore. I could see him thinking, ‘Eh, I’ve gone this far, the waves can do the rest.’”

If you exhibit any of the following, you may have Senioritis Bobcatus:

• Have a double-digit number of incomplete assignments and don’t care
• Recall having heard the term “Schoology” in an era bygone, but can’t seem to remember what it is
• By a mysterious spasm of the hand muscles, you revert towards Netflix on both your phone and computer, no matter how much you try to click on Google Docs instead
• Your phone reports an average of 8 hours of screen time per day, with around 3 hours spent on Instagram and two hours on Chrome (where you totally didn’t search up menus for takeout you won’t order)
• You occasionally wake up in cold sweat over tomorrow’s exam, only to roll your eyes at your brain—acting up, again—and dive back under the covers
• You get out of your pajamas only in the afternoon; not like anything important is happening, anyway
• You seem to have an inexpressible bond with other individuals on Reddit’s famous (or perhaps infamous) “Applying to College” subreddit complaining of the above symptoms
• You have been likened on many occasions to a comatose vegetable

For treatment, please consult—oh, who are we kidding! Enjoy your laziness; you’ve earned it!