Previously published Mar 3. 2021
Disclaimer: The Bunion is not responsible for any bad grades, missed homework, and/or angry teachers. May you always read a Bunion and never actually have a Bunion.
And Tobias said, Let there be BISV: and there was BISV. And Tobias called BISV: BASIS Independent Silicon Valley and BASIS Independent Silicon Valley was good.
To many, BISV is more than a school. It is a source of friends, fun, and love. It is home. But have any of you thought about how it all began? How BISV came to be? Well, not to worry! Bunion investigators have spent months on this exclusive project to reveal the truth of it to all finally. When reading the sacred chronicle of the birth and life of BISV, please periodically close your eyes to visualize (it will be impossible to imagine such magnitude the greatness that occurred with only mortal eyes, but we implore you to try because people with concentrated faces look constipated).
It all began when our American BISV decided to break free from British BISV. They felt that the tax for Choicelunch was too much. After much protest over the beloved lunch system, six teachers gathered together to write the fateful Proclamation of Independence (hence, BASIS Independent Silicon Valley), igniting the Cheese Revolution. Finally, in the year of our home and savior, BISV, 1 BCE (or 2014 for nonbelievers), the six great patrons of BISV came together and consecrated the magnificent building of our very own BASIS Independent Silicon Valley. They used their magnanimous powers to change the former IBM office building into a warm and inviting home (a slightly modified office building). Read below for a summary of each founding figure.
Smallphrodite (a.k.a. Mr. Small)
Avid readers of the Bunion may remember Joshua Small, teenage heartthrob and lover of man buns. He is, as one might expect, the mortal personification of the Aphrodite, goddess of beauty. He possesses skin that is as smooth as a baby dolphin rubbed all over with essential oil and creamy yellow butter. He does not need makeup, as his natural state will be more than necessary. His lips resemble a pale pink rose blooming within the gates of Athens. His eyelashes are reminiscent of rainbow cotton candy, spun into long soft silky strands fit to dress the Emperor of China. His jawline is so cutting rumor says that he uses it to cut his eggs. If you see him in the hallways, ask for an autograph!
Parsonphone (a.k.a. Dr. Parson)
Like Dr. Parson’s actual personality, Brian’s true essence is of flowers (as Persephone is the goddess of spring). In his spare time, he loves frolicking in flowery meadows among baby deer. He was Walt Disney’s first choice to play Bambi’s role; because he rejected them, they were forced to change it into an animated film instead of a play. However, recently, Brian Parson has agreed to play Bambi’s CGI live-action (made to continue the Broadway-inspired movie Cats) ‘ immediate success. Make sure to catch him in movie theatres for an Oscar-worthy performance!
Witschares (a.k.a Dr.Witschorik)
Contrary to his job description, Dr. Witschorik is a perfectly pacifist individual with a secret love of gardening. The rumors surrounding his ruthless bloodthirst arose in a Starbucks shop: he had an unsatiated craving for a Very Berry Hibiscus drink, but the barista could not get his name right. “Which Ares was it? Oh, did you want it with cherries?” Eventually, Dr. Witschorik snapped, snatched the red sharpie from the barista’s quivering hands, and raged: My name is WITSCHARES! (fittingly, when the sharpie cracked, the ink flowed down the cup-like bloodstains). He was never found near Starbucks again.
J-pollo (a.k.a. Ms. Jay)
They say if you play Hot-Cross-Buns on your plastic recorder under the faint sunlight of zero-period mornings, you may see a wispy figure march towards you to the soundtrack of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony (yes, it is the dun-dun-dun-duuuuun one). Do not be alarmed! It is merely the gratuitous spirit of Ms. Jay granting students perfect pitch. She once confessed that she feels tremendously dejected every time a student runs away in fear when she reaches out to infuse the essence of musicality in them (this may be why some select students lack musical talent). As the goddess of the sun and music, she insists on opening people’s hearts to the joy and brightness of music.
Kolbethena (a.k.a. Ms. Kolb)
Ms. Kolb was the leader of the BISV minutemen and courageously led them against the tyrannical British BISV. She is the mortal personification of Athena, with her extensive military experience. Like the perfect model of revolution from Vladimir Lenin’s What is to be Done?, Kolbethena is the determined and militarily experienced vanguard facilitating and masterminding the epic battles. The BISV commoners follow her, obeying her orders for a perfect, one-sided victory. Her best slogans are “All power to BISV!” and “Peace, AP scores, Choicelunch!”
Tobizeus: (a.k.a. Mr. Walker)
Tobias Walker is the mortal personification of Zeus because of his love for electricity. In early mornings, one may find Tobias Walker breaking into science lab rooms to play with the Van de Graaf (depending on the day, he will either style his hair or make toast). You may also be wondering why Mr. Walker is the principal of BISV after Sarah Kolb led a Revolution against the British BISV. Tobias Walker was actually the American Benedict Arnould. He betrayed the British BISV in favor of BISV, allowing for crucial information to reach the BISV minutemen.
Important Note
Students can vote to nominate the teacher who gets the honor of being crowned Oiyzys (goddess of stress, anxiety, depression, etc). To enter, they must also draw a fanart of a founding figure, depicting their godliness in all their glory. Please deposit all into the Bunion Office Room 401 for consideration.
“The Origin Story of BISV” was previously published as a Bunion feature in The BISV Quill on February 28, 2020.
