As the twenty-fifth of December arrives, children are often excited by the prospect of obtaining gifts from this figure called Santa Claus. They usually hear from their parents that they need to clear a hurdle of getting onto this so-called “Nice list” to get the gifts they desire; otherwise, they end up with presents they don’t like, such as books or extra homework. The idea of Santa isn’t as wonderful as all of our stories and traditions paint him to be, for he is constantly watching us in order to judge our every move and classify people into just two groups: the nice and the naughty. Here are some other reasons why you should attempt to evade Santa as much as possible:
- He’s a distraction from everything else you need to do. Think about all the missing homework assignments you have and the midterms you need to study for in January.
- He instills a false sense of children being at the center of everything, as he’s always asking, “What do YOU want for Christmas?” This completely removes the idea of empathy from children’s brains, causing them to act entitled and spoiled.
- He makes parents lie about how someone is always watching every one of your actions. In reality, Santa probably doesn’t have the time or energy to be watching everyone 24/7.
- If he were actually always watching, that would be a massive invasion of privacy.
- If he genuinely does go to millions of children’s houses in the course of one night, he is committing large-scale breaking and entering.
Now that you have enough reasons to absolutely despise Santa, here are a few things you can do in order to discourage him from invading your home ever again. Feel free to execute these suggestions in any order and during any Christmas. Doing at least 12 of these things for 12 years in a row will guarantee that he never comes back on any of the 12 days of Christmas, not even with a partridge nor a pear tree.
- Put up a sign that says “INSERT COIN” so that the chimney will only open once a 1856 pence has been slid in at exactly 56 degrees.
- Set up security cameras EVERYWHERE so the moment Santa lands, he’s being tracked. Bonus points if you manage to fly a drone on top of your house and follow Santa, and even better if you can put some form of a location tracker on his sleigh in order to figure out where he lives so you can give him some gifts of your own.
- Super-Glue his sleigh to your roof so that he can’t escape.
- If he tries to jump, make sure you have a very tall and strong fence around your house with a smooth pipe on top to prevent climbing. This way, you can make sure he doesn’t raid anybody else’s house.
- Fire a bunch of soda and Mento rockets so that he will be completely frozen by the residual soda inside the bottle.
- Put a pressure sensor at the base of your chimney that will throw a rock at a beehive to release all the bees inside. Wasps work as well. Santa will hate this because all he does is destroy the North Pole’s environment with his mismanagement of waste products from his elves.
- When the pressure sensor is triggered, it should also trigger some LEDs on the wall saying “NOOOO”, “Generation retro”, “VIRUS DETECTED”, and “This is MY house!”
- One other thing you can do is to attach a string to the pressure sensor, so when someone steps on it, it triggers a metal flap that turns and reveals a blue space invader alien saying, “Hey!”
- Put up bells or other things that make a large amount of noise on every doorknob so that you can track his trail, and the noise will cause him to go insane. Santa is always serving as an external noise, always watching us, so that’s karma for him. This should be done just in case he decides to use the door instead of the chimney, because the idea of him coming down the chimney is just his secret disguise in case he needs to enter through a different opening.
- Wrap tape, ribbon, glue, or other adhesives along with long, thin, flexible materials on every doorknob to make unwrapping and opening every door an absolute nightmare.
- Make sure not to wash your clothes for at least 1 month, the longer the better. Put these unwashed clothes next to the base of the chimney. Socks, shirts, underwear, and caps/other hats work the best.
- Before the night comes, have you and your family eat a meal containing foods that are high in fiber, such as broccoli, bok choy, asparagus, spinach, and other green, leafy vegetables, foods in high in gluten and lactose, soda or foods with caffeine and fructose, spicy food, meat, nuts, seeds, legumes, chickpeas, couscous, eggs, lentils, oats, turkey, walnuts, allium vegetables (onions, garlic, etc), cruciferous vegetables, whole grains, and FODMAPS (short for fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides monosaccharides, and polyols). These foods are high in sulfur, so they will cause your farts to be extra stinky.
- Make sure your family eats Taco Bell in order to amplify this effect. The Taco Bell menu has all 7 dietary causes of diarrhea: sugar and caffeine in the soda, FODMAPS in the beans and guacamole, gluten in the tortillas, lactose in the rice, diablo hot sauce, and saturated fat in fried food. This will cause bloating, farting, and diarrhea.
- Set up your chimney with tripwires, glitter bombs, fart spray, and a layer of assorted LEGO pieces at the bottom so that his toes will be hurting for the next 10 years. Also, you should remove any cushions that are within 6 feet of the base of the chimney.
- Use a giant fan on your roof in order to prevent him from landing in the first place. A possible setup is a motion-detecting camera and a motor crank on a round base that moves a large fan in order to face the direction of the air current towards Santa’s sleigh.
- Make a poster of Al Gore, but print and tape the Grinch’s head over it to make Al Gore-inch. Santa hates politics and the Grinch, so this should keep him away.
- Coat the inside of your chimney with a layer of ice. It’s about time he learned about doors.
- If he does come to your front door, put a layer of balloons filled to the brim with honey and maple syrup mixed with glue in order to glue his shoes to the front door.
- Cover your entire floor with marbles and Legos. Ideally, 2 x 1 bricks, technic connector pieces, studs, 1 x 1 pieces, Lego minifigure weapons, roof tiles, and other very oddly shaped pieces.
- One other thing you can do is make giant spikes made out of long Lego pieces with sharp ends or edges pointing outwards.
- Another strategy is to install pressure sensors and large bouncy blocks that will basically push Santa upwards into the roof if he steps on those.
- In terms of the geometry of your defense, you should ideally employ at least nine circles/rings of defense around his approximate landing point. This way, if he attempts to dash through these rings, he will have to do them all in one go.
- If you really want to leave out food (such as cookies) for him, make sure you lace it with something unexpected to make things more exciting . The best things to try are alcohol with pepper x extract mixed with hot ones’s the last dab sauce, melatonin powder, caffeine powder, laxatives, crushed prunes, weight gain powder, large amounts of sugar, salt, nutmeg, and other spices. Make sure to only leave him watery soy milk instead of whole milk. Make sure to use rectangular and triangular cookies because this will become very important very soon.
- In order to make the raw cookies, order a ton of Taco Bell and blend it all into a solid-ish mixture, but use olives to imitate chocolate chips. Then, mold them all into a cookie shape with whatever you want to lace it with.
- Arrange the cookies so that the result looks like this image (feel free to add triangular cookie pieces as you see fit)
- Repeat this arrangement 92 times for maximum damage to Santa’s sanity. He will expect 90 or 100 of them, but will keep getting annoyed.
- Put large bags of dry ice in your fridge so that if he opens it to try and get food, his face gets blasted with cold air immediately.
- Play large amounts of extremely loud music around the house. This way, he will be trying to find the source of the music, giving you more time to find him.
- Use a mirror surrounded by motivational posters. This way, he has a chance to reflect before leaving.
- Hack Santa’s navigation system so he can’t escape.
- Use a job application that’s dropped on his head right as he’s about to go—he’s technically jobless.
- Along with the job application, drop a list of all his possible violations, such as OSHA violations, credit card debts, and other charges. Since Santa is probably smart enough to understand a bit of this, he might be sprinting away at the speed of light.
- Leave reverse gifts for him—basically, present boxes filled with chores, to-do lists, job forms, interview mail, workplace inspection mail, and more. He always wants us to work, so time to flip the script.
- Leave this quiz for him so that he can’t get any of the real cookies and milk until he solves this without any outside aid and also picks a 6.022 * 10 ^ 23(Avagadro’s number) -key padlock where each key is any ASCII character or emoji. The quiz itself consists of these questions:
- What is the universe made of?
- How can we reconcile quantum mechanics with general relativity?
- Is P = NP?
- What is the exact nature of the Riemann hypothesis?
- Using an Epsilon-Delta proof, find and prove the limit lim(x -> pi/2)(f(x)) where f’’(x) = sin^2(x) and f’’(x) is the second derivative of f(x) given the initial condition that f(53973902) = 32907839 and that f'(109283484) = 10983799073. Truncate the result of the limit to 200 decimal places.
- Are there any odd perfect numbers?
- Does Free will exist?
- Stay awake the whole night except for exactly 5 minutes. This way, you can see him while luring Santa out by pretending you’re asleep. This will mess with him a lot.
- Force feed the elves propaganda during the rest of the year in order to make them form a labor union and go on strike against Santa Claus. This will severely disrupt his logistics.
- Have someone perfectly imitate Santa in order to gaslight him into thinking that he was an imposter all along. Ideally, you should get 12 or more people to do this in order to drive him truly insane.
- Make sure to put up a ton of space invader aliens with thin lines running through them, saying “Jajaja, you have not win!”, “AAARRGHHH! THIS IS MY GAME!”, “THIS IS THE END….FOR YOU!!!”, “AND WE WILL END,” and “GAME….OVER!!!!” The terrible grammar will ruin him, and the bad artwork will make him even more scared. Make sure to give all the aliens saying “AAARRGHHH! THIS IS MY GAME!” to wear pirate patches and put them in boats with pirate flags so that Santa thinks he has entered the Caribbean by accident. Combining this with putting heaters everywhere and a large yellow light to make a fake sun will make Santa feel like he’s stepping into a sauna. Ideally, use some form of a broadcasting system, such as loudspeakers, to deliver the same messages said by aliens.
- Since he keeps invading your home, make him pay for a home expansion as well as all the other damage he may have done, such as stealing your cookies and milk.
- Have all world leaders put at least 200000% tariffs on all goods headed to the North Pole and force him to pay for all royalties for all materials.
- If all else fails, just stop believing in him.
- To make sure he never visits your neighborhood again, start putting up propaganda posters that keep denying Santa’s existence.
- Have someone fly a drone or other aerial vehicle all the way up to the North Pole in order to keep an eye on him. He’s always watching us to figure out whether we should go on the nice or naughty list, so he gets a taste of his own medicine.
- Petition the FAA to put him on the No Fly List so he will no longer be allowed here.
- Upon finding his house, send his address to every world leader in the world. He knows all of ours, so we need to know his location too.
Happy Holidays, and if you do all or some of these things, you will be guaranteed a spot on the naughty list!
Sources:
Mikstas, Christine . “Foods High in Sulfur.” WebMD, 15 Nov. 2022,
www.webmd.com/diet/foods-high-in-sulfur.
Anthony, Kiara. “Smelly Farts.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 7 Nov. 2017, www.healthline.com/health/smelly-farts.
“Is Something in Your Diet Causing Diarrhea?” Harvard Health, 12 July 2016, www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/is-something-in-your-diet-causing-diarrhea.
“File:Evil Clown Santa Claus.jpg – Wikimedia Commons.” Wikimedia.org, 25 Nov. 2005, commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Evil_clown_Santa_Claus.jpg. Accessed 6 Dec. 2025.
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Evil_clown_Santa_Claus.jpg
