How to Cook up a Universe

Has the current universe felt too boring? Too uncontrollable? Have you ever wanted your own personal universe, whether it be for eating, drinking, or just something you can play around with? Well, this very simple guide will walk you right through it:

1. First, gather large amounts of hydrogen and helium and compress them to a singularity.
2. Next, keep adding dark matter (a mysterious type of matter that is invisible to the eye but helps to hold large galactic structures, for example, galaxies, together) and dark energy (a sort of opposite form of gravity that repels objects and gets stronger over time) until you hear a large explosion and see your universe expanding. 
3. This next step is critical, as if you mess it up, the universe will end up as a singularity since all the mass will be concentrated at a near infinitely small point. Immediately after the explosion, turn off the pressure compressing your new universe and release it at once. This will cause your universe to rapidly grow in size from a marble to about half the size of our current universe, about 46.5 billion light-years in diameter. Feel free to inject extra dark energy if you want it to grow faster, or extra dark matter if you want to spark star formation. 
4. Shock it with electricity while it is sandwiched between very dense magnets and add both strong and weak nuclear waste to induce the 4 fundamental forces: gravitation, electromagnetism, and the strong and weak nuclear forces that exist in our universe. Gravitation helps to clump planets and form stars and galaxies; electromagnetism, along with the nuclear forces, helps to govern a variety of subatomic processes necessary for life. 
5. You will need a fabric of space-time. To do this, start by knitting a working watch with only yarn inside a large, empty room. Then, put your universe on this fabric. If there are any tears, this might lead to a lot of different issues for the universe. For example, it could cause the formation of a wormhole from one part of the universe to another, or a black hole that instantly swallows both the universe and you. 
   1. 1. 1. 1. Put your hands in it and form halos out of the dark matter, which are roughly ring-shaped structures. There will be voids left behind, but that is fine. If you want, you can even sprinkle smaller bits of compressed hydrogen and helium to spark a bit of extra star formation. Below is a sample of what might happen in your universe:
   2. Each of these blobs represent large superclusters of galaxies and stars, and the white space is supposed to be devoid of stars and filled with dark energy; putting too many stars in a small area will either make a black hole or cause a “big crunch” scenario, where the gravitation of all the other objects in the universe will cause all the objects to form a large congregation towards the center of gravity. This would release tremendous energy, potentially breaking the fabric of space-time you made earlier. 
6. Make sure that you find a way to keep the Higgs field metastable, as if it ever becomes a true vacuum, then a bubble of death will start swallowing the entirety of your universe and possibly you as well. The Higgs field governs the entire concept of mass, and without mass, chemistry can’t happen, causing life as we know it to be impossible. 
7. Add some planets to make it inhabitable and make sure they are all in the habitable zones of their stars.
8. In case crazy space invader aliens with diagonal lines running through them are attempting to charge you upwards of 22935 trillion dollars, you should reknit your fabric of space-time and start from scratch. The way they will ask for you to do it is asking for you to “Insert coin”, but your universe will be locked forever unless you can make a coin worth 22935 trillion dollars. The worst red flag is terrible grammar, such as “JAJAJA YOU HAVE NOT WIN”, as in this case, you have lost by potentially missing one of the steps above. If they are attempting to actively claim your universe (you can tell that is happening if they start saying something along the lines of “AARGGH THIS IS MY GAME!”), then you can either collect 7 stones, 1 of each color of the rainbow, put them all in rings, and then snap your fingers, or just make a new universe. Once they begin to take over your universe, they will likely start building structures that look something like this:

These structures are very deadly, especially to spiders of many types, and may erase life in your universe. 

There is however, a way to fix this, but it is very risky as it may tear apart your fabric of space time. You will need to build this structure below:

Assuming that your universe has passed this test, you should do a few other things to your selected planet to make it suitable for life:

1. Tilt it 23.5 degrees with respect to the vertical, as this will help to create seasons. 
2. If not already checked, make sure your planet has a liquid core and rotates fast enough to create a magnetic field that is in the range of 25 to 60 microteslas. 

In order to make planets more suitable for life, you can make a few different lifeforms. There should only be one of each of these lifeforms:

1. A giant whale that has the ability to summon large amounts of water and rain from thin air.
2. A large lizard-like creature with the ability to raise mountains and continents from nothing.
3. A large serpentine creature with the ability to control the weather in order to stimulate weather favorable for life. 
4. 3 creatures that appear to be human-like creatures with a large tail that varies in shape, each sitting on a large cloud. These three creatures will cooperate with the serpentine one to help control weather. These creatures are further described below:
   1. A creature with a cyan body and a tail made of thin portions and larger spheres with a large spike pointing out. This creature controls thunder. This creature’s head should have 1 horn.
   2. A creature with a dark green body and a grey tail that’s shaped like a swirl, with smaller yellow swirls on its tail. This creature controls wind. This creature’s head should have 2 horns. 
   3. A creature with an orange body and a dark brown tail that looks like it’s made of dirt. This creature’s head should have 3 horns, and its tail should be mostly a curve but with small, jagged pieces poking out. This creature controls rain. 

Now just wait for a few trillion years, and then you should be good to add other life forms to the universe. 

Some examples of lifeforms you can add:

1. Round seals with small fins and tails, cats with psychic powers and ears that point down, and other smaller terrestrial and aquatic lifeforms, once you’ve found microbial life. The cuteness of these lifeforms will help keep everything at peace and help the evolution of all the species. 
2. Another pair of lifeforms you should add are small, shrimp-like creatures coming in various colors, such as dark pink, yellow, and orange with a small white contractile vacuole (the thing that some fish use to move), and very large Catfish or blue whale-like creatures with various white markings and large fins. Both of these species should cooperate, as this will give all future life on the planet the opportunity to evolve and potentially expand.
3. Add cuboid organisms ranging from 3.9 inches to 2 feet and 8 inches on all sides for the first forms of intelligent life.
   1. You should also give them blueprints for a variety of different vehicles and structures, such as ships for transport, balls for wheels (this will allow 4 directional motion), UFOs to explore the universe, waves to traverse the seven seas (or however many oceans your planet has), robots to assist them in day to day and mundane tasks, spiders for pets, swings for speed, and jetpacks for helicopters.
4. Avian and dragon-like lifeforms with soft, almost cloud-like wings to help seed clouds and promote the formation of an ozone layer to help against harmful cosmic background radiation. 
5. Frog-like lifeforms with large bulbs, which will eventually expand in size and have their bulb bloom into a large flower.
6. Tortoise-like lifeforms that start with a small sapling on the back of their shells that eventually grow and blossom over time, going into a pair of hedges, then finally into a large tree and possibly even a mountain range. Many different lifeforms, possibly including those mentioned above, can often live on these shells. 
7. Lizard-like lifeforms with seeds on their back in order to help create forests, as they often drop their seeds upon being exposed to certain neural frequencies. When a seed is dropped, other creatures will come to eat it and help a forest grow. 

There are also some structures and materials that you should add in order to truly make this universe work:

1. A subsuming vortex to deal with pollution.The ideal number of these is 92 for your universe. 
2. A variety of temples in order to let them pray and sacrifice to you. They can be located anywhere, but it is very likely they will be located in water, deserts, forests, lava, volcanoes, and others. They will also have different emblems depicting certain properties of the world you’ve given them: Water, Fire, Shadows, Lava, Forests, Deserts, and more. These emblems will all be shaped like this but have different colors:
3. A devil vortex for them to deal with any potential misfits. Just have one of your friends dress up as a demon and have them consume everything and everyone that is a problem. 
   1. Another option is to have a part of your universe become distorted, but in this case your friend will have to dress up as a giant gray, black, and gold dragon with 6 legs and 6 tendrils that end in red spikes.
4. Add intel points, which allow for your civilization to research certain technologies. 
5. For currency, add gold coins, and for general supplies, add supply points. You should also add 5 goods per age starting from the bronze age. 
   1. The ages are: Stone age, Bronze Age, Iron Age, Early Middle Ages, High Middle Ages, Late Middle Ages, Colonial Age, Industrial Age, Progressive Era, Modern Era, Postmodern Era, Contemporary Era, Tomorrow Era, Future Era, Antarctic Future, Subaquatic Future, Digital Future, Space Age Moon, Space Age Mars, Space Age Asteroid Belt, Space Age Venus, Space Age Titan, Solar Age, Space Age Kuiper Belt, Intergalactic Age, and Universe’s Twilight Age.
   2. The goods for each age are:
      1. Bronze Age: Bronze, Marble, Lumber, Stone, Dye
      2. Iron Age: Iron, Cloth, Ebony, Limestone, Jewelry
      3. Early Middle Ages: Alabaster, Diorite, Gold, Granite, Paper
      4. High Middle Ages: Brick, Honey, Glass, Rope, Salt
      5. Late Middle Ages: Basalt, Brass, Gunpowder, Talc Powder, Wires
      6. Colonial Age: Coffee, Porcelain, Tar, Dried herbs, Silk
      7. Industrial Age: Coke, Fertilizer, Rubber, Textiles, Whale Oil
      8. Progressive Era: Asbestos, Explosives, Raw Gasoline, Components, Stamped metal
      9. Modern Era: Instant Ramen, Ferroconcrete, Artificial Sugar, Luxury Materials, Packaging
      10. Postmodern Era: Industrial Filters, Renewable resources, Radioactive material, Industrial Steel, Fiberglass
      11. Contemporary era: Liquid Natural Gas, Refined Gasoline, Rare earth metals, Semiconductors, Plastics
      12. Tomorrow era: Bioresources, Degradable material, Heat Resistant material, Radar absorbent material, Fuel
      13. Future era: Cameras, 2 Way electronics, Data packets, Computer viruses, Cybernetic parts
      14. Antarctic era: Promethium, fusionable ice, Advanced machine parts, Advanced mining equipment, Cold resistant materials
      15. Subaquatic Future: Oxygen, Pressure resistant materials, Transparent concrete, Algae, Air based propulsion motors
      16. Digital future: Biometric data, Digital IDs, Digital currency, Uploaded brains, Advanced AI systems
      17. Space Age Moon: Helium-3, Hydrogen-3, Lead casings, Calibrated rotational motors, Electromagnetic resistant material
      18. Space Age Mars: High density iron ore, Superalloys, Mars microbes, Lubricant, GM crops
      19. Space Age Asteroid belt: Platinum, Bromine, Nickel, Zinc, Neodymium
      20. Space Age Venus: Refined Carbon, Sulfur compounds, Dust resistant casings, Advanced heat resistant materials, Fluid dynamics modifying materials
      21. Space age Titan: Pure methane, Advanced gasoline, Advanced genome data, Topological records, Ore maps
      22. Solar age: Lightweight solar panels, High torsion materials, Ozone, Advanced Electromagnetic resistant material, Photon generator
      23. Space age Kuiper belt: High hydrogen content ice, Experimental alloys, Compressed material capsules, Liquid binder, Improved hydrocarbons
      24. Intergalactic Age: Hypersleep modules, Oxygen pills, Cryogenic generators, FTL(Faster-than-light) motors, Nanocrystals
      25. Universe’s Twilight Age: Dark matter, Dark energy batteries, Magnetic Mirrors, Antimatter, Quark accelerators

Try and get your civilization to get through this tech tree as fast as possible: 

These steps should help you to easily and quickly create a lively and peaceful universe which will last for quite a while. Good luck attempting to recreate this!